Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Apr 21 Tuesday

Apparently it's a mistake to presume that my body will be the same from day to day and that i would employ the same state of being and parameters as yesterday. Today my body is feeling a bit hectic, my dance feels disorganized and i'm having trouble focusing on the duration of moves and patience needed to count the time spent dancing as part of the 1 hour daily goal. I need to adapt. I feel like doing utilitarian stuff but the state needed for concentration eludes me. There's no yawning. Just as i say that i start yawning. I need to figure this out. What did i expect, that it would be the same every day? In that case, a style would be formed and i know better, a same style wasn't ever my thing.

I feel a bit manic. Today is the day that i talk to my therapist about my possible bipolar diagnosis. I have a feeling he will reject the notion. After all, maybe he would have caught on by now if there were things to add to my diagnosis. We'll see. It's the fact that my manic/depressive episodes don't last for several weeks or even several days at a time. It's a touch and go, fleeting sensation that lasts for a few hours. I guess you could discard these as everyday normal mood swings that everyone gets. Oh well, it will feel good to touch base with him after so long.

Ok time to return to my dancing and a way to have this state bring satisfaction and release. I feel like thrashing about, maybe i should do just that. Let me see.. just one more thing before i return to my research and deadline of 1 hour per day of dancing: i don't WANT to thrash around. Is this wrong? If this would feel right, i should do it. But i have a suspicion that thrashing will only worsen my state and not bring release and a way back to normal. I have to find another solution.

[..] i danced some more and i figured out i was using the wrong speed. It felt like shifting gears and immediately i felt satisfied. One movement outside what felt necessary to get me going and i arrived eventually at a place that felt like stillness, even though i was moving. Then i maintained only the movements that didn't go outside this virtual (imaginary?) stillness. The feeling persisted, with only a few momentary exceptions when i went back into my usual modes but then rectified and returned on the right track. I guess this is what worked for today, we'll see tomorrow. I added this place of stillness to my list of parameters, to not forget about it. I still have 10 minutes left on the clock. Imma do them now, see if i can maintain the same feeling. It's something that if it doesn't come naturally, i must not try to seek it for it's own sake, i must let it be the thing that necessary whenever. I don't want to have a specific style. I prefer to adapt and discover new things all the time instead of searching for the fleeting same thing all the time.

[..] it's gone. I'm glad. The tendency was to search for it but it was obvious that i was back to the normal state, like yesterday. I should not call it "normal".

[..] we just had an enormous quantity of KFC delivered and i ate all of my share. I don't know what's wrong with me, it's like i haven't eaten in days, mentally. Physically i was already full, had had rice with veggies and Thai sauce for breakfast and another big portion for lunch, but still i ate like no tomorrow. Now i feel full, satisfied and happy, content with the world. Like nothing is wrong. Spoke to my therapist as well today, he said chances of me having the bipolar condition are slim, seeing as i don't get depressed for more than a few hours at a time, once every two weeks or so. Said that usually manic feelings are there to counteract depression so you don't kill yourself or walk into traffic. Or jump out the window.

I feel my style of literature now is a combination of my old self, some Derek i watched and the fried chicken i ate. Derek made me cry, it's more sort of an educational drama spiced up with filth here and there.