Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 May 01 Friday

I helped my folks with some technical set-up for working at home. I even provided some of my music materials to help. It felt fantastic, Baby Love helped too. To help your parents, who have been aiding you with the cost of living for so long, to do something in return feels great.

I've been practicing my avoidance list of enslaving my body, but my body has been more cooperative lately so less weird positions and tension. There is, as i've said previously, the automatic seeking of comfort, which i have been willing to allow, mostly for my mind's sake. My mind has performed very well these days with talking to my parents and guiding them step by step through the process, never losing it's patience and being there for me, cooperating. I'm a little proud of my mind for being so helpful.

I added some stuff to my workspace. First was the musical instrument, which has been with me for a few days, always near, in communion. Then i added the chess set, which i've propped on the table, ready to go. Yesterday i played a game with myself, i couldn't stay away. Yesterday evening i added my smart watch and i'm trying to get used to smoking on command, every ten minutes. It's a bit more than i'm used to, i used to smoke less, but i hope to achieve this habit of smoking on cue so that in time i may increase the interval between puffs. I wanted to start with something relatively easy, like 10 minute intervals, just to get used to it. Then i'll increase to 11 minutes and so on. I hope one day to have a puff every hour. That means.. about 3-4 cigarettes a day. Not too shabby. But a long way to go until this.

Baby Love is beautiful.

I'm considering leaving my keyboard out into the open, not replacing it in it's box each time i write or over the night. This way it'll always be available, ready for use. I'd like something on it though, some sort of cloth or transparent thing to cover it to not get dirty. I wonder what. Maybe just leave it as it is and clean it up relatively often.

[..] what would you do if you were immortal? What i wouldn't give to be immortal.. maybe there are some thing i wouldn't give. Definitely there are. I wouldn't give other lives to be immortal, other human lives. Does that make me racist, that i would sacrifice a dog or a cat to live forever? But not humans? Maybe cut off some trees? I feel that plants have life too, maybe not a brain, but still, they strive to live. So i wonder a bit about vegetarians, but that's not the topic now. Probably, if i would live forever, i would start saving up. I would like to have money to do the things i want the easy way. I don't know if i would steal. -the reason why i'm writing all this is my mind was starting to find optimizations on the idea that i should allow safe movement in my daily routine, i've written it down below the stuff i want to avoid as part of my mind/body practice. I figured i'd give my mind something to do so it's happy and preoccupied and not trying to optimize something as organic as me just having wrote an idea on the whiteboard. Too early to optimize, first let's see what happens. And immortality is one of my big day-dream subjects. It came about from reading vampire novels. I wouldn't mind having to kill to survive if that was my nature, of a vampire. Neither would i mind only having nights, forever avoiding sunlight, if it were necessary for me to survive eternity. But ideally i would still be some sort of human, able to enjoy food still, having cravings but not hunger, never getting sick. I wouldn't mind a few more wrinkles, or gray hair, but not dying would be great. Or less hair. A bit of invulnerability would be cool. Air travel with no fear. I wonder if i would still have fear in general. Probably so, for a while at least until the idea that nothing bad could happen would sink in. Never sleeping would be great too, in fact not needing to sleep would be great even if i didn't live forever. Of course, take breaks, lay still with your eyes closed at night or during the day, but only until you want to do something else. Never getting tired is sort of like a superpower, it would mean major modifications to the brain. I don't know why, but i feel like this ability to go without sleep would require more hardwiring than the not-getting-hungry bit. I think i'll stop here with this thought process, i wonder if my mind is satisfied with this little day-dream-put-into-writing exercise. To be continued some other time. I guess this is a way to write something coming from imagination that still is about me and not like a separate story from my diary, which i have been reluctant to write. So. Good. Using my imagination to write, maybe this will be the gateway towards writing short stories, then up to novels. Who knows?

[..] i'm on the no-travel end of the spectrum. I've almost always enjoyed going on trips, but have almost never seek them out myself. Always there were some sort of group, or competition, or friends asking me to go. For me it was never the solution. I'm not really in need of change. I welcome change, i'm not against it, as to be against change is foolish or a bad habit in the least. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that i never get bored. For me there is always the option of doing nothing, waiting, zen meditation if the worst comes to worst. Retreating in myself. Changing myself. Traveling inward. Even when i was little, the only motivator for going outside was to see my friends, and if there was an option that drinks and music could come to me without disturbing the neighbors, i would have preferred to stay in always i think. Maybe not, i think i'm exaggerating a little, i do enjoy fresh air, and these past weeks have proven that, i would very much like to go outside right now, but for me "going outside" doesn't have to be to the mountains or the seaside or another country. I'm curious to visit just one country in the world. I will not name it, so you won't know what nationality i'm not :) it's a common destination though, pretty unique. Also, i used to be curious about meeting people, now i realize that i don't like most of the people, and the ones that are bearable are just unique in some way. I'm fascinated with people still, but not enough to seek their company or whatever. I think though that i could use a guy friend. Not bromance, but guy company. The only guy company i get, with minor exceptions, is with my therapist, the rest are mostly females. My shrink, Baby Love, my mother. My father is a guy, but he's first and foremost my father. I digress. I think it's enough to watch movies with different scenery than the interior of our home. Then again, i don't know if things would stand the same if i never had left the city we live in. Maybe i would have thought things would be better someplace else, or at least would have been curious. I know for a fact that some places are better, some places are worse. I think we live closed to the better-places end of the spectrum. I think this will do for now in these lines. Just one more observation: it's better with my keyboard out of the box, it's very inviting.

[..] i added something else to my practice. These past few days have been an adding frenzy. Must have really been a breakthrough, the avoidance to enslave my body. That is, if i keep it up. Now i added an hour a day of using only hard surfaces for support. That means the floor. I've been dreaming of sitting on the floor for a long time. Sitting, playing, moving, standing and walking, laying, dancing. The floor appeals to me. It fits with my fitness goals, having to move a lot due to the lack of comfort. Again this idea of comfort and the body - and mind's - tendency to seek it automatically. I'm finding ways, developing a system to sit on the floor all day during my working hours. The non-entertainment thing is still in place. Although since it's inauguration, i've exceeded the 2pm curfew quite a bit. Meaning it often gets to be 6 o'clock or 7 until i watch some tv or youtube or stuff. That's good, that idea sticked. Hopefully these last few will stick as well. Becoming familiar with objects like my musical instrument, the chess board, an e-book reader i keep neglecting. They're all on my desk. The keyboard out of it's box and ready to use at all times.. more to work on the relationship with my musical instrument. Now it lies on the couch. Must find a way to bring it closer to the floor area, the empty space in our living-room.