Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 May 09 Saturday

Again this morning i spent a little time waking up in bed before i got up. Pretty good. Woke up a little disconnected though, a little cold towards my usual elements indoors. Can't wait for Baby Love to wake up though. Yesterday i managed to cause her a headache. She had just finished a project for one of the online shops, and was going to reward herself with cooking some donuts. I was a little aggressive and it kind of oppressed her. I didn't come at her or anything, just annoyed her with too much of .. something, it's hard to define. Me? Maybe. Too much of me being annoying. Yes, that's it. I felt so sorry afterwards.. i proclaimed that i won't be eating any donuts until her headache subsided, but she went to sleep it off and at some point i became so hungry and craveful that negotiations started. I figured, if she knew how i felt, she would have to be a pretty bad person to leave me to suffer like this. I ate some of the donuts, they were amazing, some crunchiness did the trick, plus they had cream in the composition so kudos to Baby Love for making the best donuts i ever ate. Then when she woke up we made up and i told her i had eaten some of the food, she told me i should have waited. I don't know what to make of this. I was in the wrong, but who punishes someone to go without food? I guess we both do, when we put our cat in the bathroom if he's being bad. Hmm.. perhaps it's not the way to go. Sounds a bit like torture.

Anyway, i've lost about 2 pounds since yesterday. Must be the dancing. Great news, that, what with the donuts and all. Although, at the end of my 2 hours of dancing yesterday, i have to tell you, i wasn't feeling much in the mood to dance anymore. I was glad it was over. This leads me to think i won't be able to keep it up for long. Maybe make it a bit easier. Like start off with less and go up from there until i find the sweet spot. Maybe today, only half an hour.

[..] i danced for almost 35 minutes. The hardest thing was to start, but i sense there is also a focus of some sort, an increased attention deployed on the movement or position of my body. I should decrease that attention to make it easier, and just get used to making non-useful movements. I would use the word "utilitarian", like i did yesterday, but apparently it's some form of political thing, philosophy and what not. Let me read up on it and figure out if it represents me.

Yeah, it's ok to use "utilitarian" in this concept, it has the meaning of being practical, useful, non-aesthetic. But it also has this whole doctrine filled with inner conflicts and disagreements. Maybe i should prefer to use the term "useful". Non-useful movements. Of course you can go in depth about what does it mean to be useful. Even the most useless movement serves the purpose of developing this dance sense, as well as losing weight. I feel like i've done enough word searching these past few days with developing some sort of definition for dance, i'm kind of .. what's the word? Enough! No more. I don't know how to call it, but in my mind it's clear.

What's more important than the word is the attitude, the mindset behind the movement. Get used to dancing all the time, with less focus. I've been doing this with music too. Since getting closer to my musical instrument, i've somewhat disbanded this whole system i had created around playing music. This whole universe of focus and strictness. Instead i've played with more pleasure and less commitment. I'm trying to develop this more organic approach.

[..] i think i reached a point where there are only two modes: move and rest, and then even in rest i can move just a little with my fingers or my back, so perhaps the focus should be just moving all the time, not necessarily dancing or non-useful movement or useful movement with attention. Then it would result that i would be what you would call a "mover" if i accomplish this and just keep moving all day long. Just keep moving. Any part of the body. Since discovering this another_small_epiphany the clock has been running and it's already past two hours. I think this is as simple as i can make it. No encumber-some focus or effort of attention, just to move all the time. We'll see how well this pans out over time.

Baby Love is out shopping again. I disagreed with the need for more supplies but she said she needs the outing and i don't want her going crazy.

I discovered what could possibly be better speakers than what i have now. It's something called Minirig, a UK company that delivers small speakers that you can buy in pair or in singular, even a little subwoofer, backpacks and small encasings for them. I read in a review that their quality is unbeatable, plus they have 100hr batter lives. If our current speaker fails in the future, i know toward what we'll be orientating our listening requirements. Not very cheap though, but then again the Bose speaker that we have now wasn't cheap either.

The movement resolution brings with itself more freedom, not all movements have to be part of this strict system of dancing that i've developed. Apparently a style was born even though i deprecated it from the start. I guess it's the same style that i developed with my music improvisation. Good thing things are more organic and free now. I've been playing my musical instrument more since i've kept it close to me and begun getting close to it as an object with meaning, instead of just as an exponent of the interior universe that evolved over the years. Now i play stuff that i didn't use to play in the past, i'm allowing myself some leisure, like a hobby activity instead of a responsibility to produce only stuff that has certain characteristics that i imposed on myself, like clarity, aridity, abstractness, consistency, weight, strictness, and possibly others as well. Newness.. now i play stuff that i know how are going to sound, and still i feel like i learn. I'm more in touch with how i want things to sound, whereas before i always tried to break any patterns. But still patterns arose. Now it's like i always  preached, just time spent enjoying the instrument and keeping it available as much as i can. I say "as much as" because it happens that i move to the bedroom and forget the instrument in the living room for the evening.

[..] i've been moving for more than 5 hours and the only way i'm tired is physically. That's great. Time for some rest i guess, or at least smaller movements. And turn off the clock, it serves no purpose since i'm planning to move all day long with no limit.