Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Apr 20 Monday

Today it's back in business. Already did some chores AND danced 30 minutes. I feel great. This morning i woke up a little bewildered, but since recovered. My main focus in my dance is patience, i'm discovering more and more that i lack it on a deep level. If something frustrates me i immediately try to resolve the issue without waiting to internalize the problem and even ask myself if it's something worth fixing. Some things go away by themselves, or in waiting for a bit a new, better solution presents itself. Instead of optimizing all the time, some value must be placed in waiting for a bit. Same as with decisions. I make a decision, then discover that the new state has some abrasions of some kind, and i immediately spring into action to optimize. Too soon after just having made the decision. First observe, then act. The longer the observation, the better the action, same as in chess. The more you understand a position, the better your move will be. Is this tendency stemming from my addiction? My therapist, i say again, said that yes, that's the reason. I need the quick fix, addicted to the satisfaction of having something work perfectly. But sometimes the enemy of the "good" is the "better". I approach this problem from a creative point of view as well because i've always used the creative process to guide me, always learned from it. So hopefully, with practice in my dance and music, i will incorporate patience in my everyday life as well. Hopefully this will make me more independent and i will be stronger for having a better mechanism to tolerate frustration. Frustration is inevitable, my mechanism needs an upgrade.