Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 May 17 Sunday

So far so good. I kind of believe that the craving feeling is a sign i'm winning against addiction. More than kind of. I've lost a few pounds since yesterday with my new eating pattern. We'll see how i do today. The bigger the craving the bigger the win. Actually, "the longer" would be a better way to put it. I go and smoke, or i eat something, then the craving goes back to 0 and i have to wait for it to grow back up.

Baby Love is up. I laid in bed with her for a little while.

The thing is, it takes some focus to keep the frustration in check somehow, to not let it take over? I don't know how to put this, how to explain the need for focus. If i'm distracted, i become annoyed and cranky.

[..] Baby Love went shopping and when she came back i kind of decided that the show and tell warranted some smoking. It was more the fact that the agitation was getting me jittery. Then i made some exquisite food, an omelette from an egg, a small tomato, some cheese, olive oil and vinegar. So friggin delicious. I had to do it. Then some more smoking, a teaspoon of sugar, coffee, and now i only feel some deep dark craving, but on the surface i'm all satisfied. Means i'm losing the battle, but we'll see if i can coordinate until the end of the day and stay within 10 cigarettes.

[..] it's a bit weirder since today the craving sensation wasn't focused on my throat, it's rather in my whole body, harder to contain and compartmentalize. Thoughts of quitting the struggle. Anyway, i had a major breakthrough, the idea that to have the feeling of craving is not to be avoided. On the contrary, it's the sign that the addiction is losing ground.

[..] it's going great. It's like already past 8pm and i've smoked only 5 cigarettes. The addiction is losing ground. My strategy is working. I wonder if it's going to work until i will be free of it. Just increase my tolerance to frustration and availability until finally i will smoke 0 cigarettes and eat corresponding to my ideal weight. The medication i'm on will make it a bit difficult on the eating front, it stimulates my appetite. But i notice now that i'm eating ideally, for two days straight. I figure once i'm done with nicotine and caffeine that the level of frustration i will have to endure will be less - in order to maintain my current diet.

Just wanted to check in. I watched Ender's Game and seeing other perform well always ignites my own ambition to excel. Trouble is, if i focus on something else, i will certainly lose ground to the addiction. I must maintain my focus on winning some of my health back. I am tracking the time i spend waiting, conquering back my body. I am using the stopwatch from my watch. Today it counted 2 hours and 22 minutes so far. That's not bad, but it means i could have done more. Buuuut it's Sunday so i guess i'm allowed a break. In a way. From a different point of view, there are no breaks in war. I guess today was time to regroup a bit. Watched a movie, kicked back, even indulged in more smoking than yesterday. We will see about tomorrow. I plan on doing nothing much except listening to some quiet music and focusing on my battle.

If and when i succeed, i may acquire some confidence that i may tackle some other purpose. Excel in something else. At least continue my studies. But right now, my health is paramount. I must not overwhelm myself though. All i have to do is just keep a constant feeling of craving, a constant frustration, and just live with it, as the new normal. I don't have to do much, just leave it there and not distract myself with other things, lest it becomes unbearable and i smoke when i don't really have to if i focus. Frustration is a good sign. It means i'm winning. It's harmless too, i'm getting enough food, everything is in fact ok, i'm doing this to overcome my addiction and be healthier, leaner, spend less money.. now i feel with these last few ideas that my mind is weaseling in some negotiation. I must stop this. No negotiation. Just this normal frustration. It's all i have to keep my attention on, just notice how i'm winning with every second i spend with these cravings, this feeling in my body. I think i wrote enough for now, i feel like i'm trying to make myself stronger when in fact i don't need to be stronger right now, i'm already on the right track. Some more waiting.