Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 May 22 Friday

Today there is evidence of a setback in my fight against addiction. I weigh more than i did yesterday. What happened was that i watched a very dynamic and interesting show with Baby Love, lost of pausing and commentating, and that got me riled up so i ate a bit too much. Still from a small bowl, but i didn't wait for the food to digest before i had the next bowl. A bit of porking out. Baby Love made this delicious cabbage dish with bacon, we had polenta, it was a frenzy, very good for my taste buds, but a little in excess. It hurt my morale a bit, and i was considering quitting the fight, giving up. Then i said to myself that i knew things would be easier sometimes, and sometimes harder, but i must choose my battles and not give up completely. For example, this morning i had a slightly bigger urge to smoke than usual. Yesterday i smoked 4 and a half cigarettes. It feels like the first couple of days were harder, now i feel like i'm letting go a bit of the struggle but still the same number of cigarettes each day. That means that the addiction is losing ground as well, we are both ..-i had the word.. weak? We're both weak from battle. Now is the time to regroup and come back strong. The weight drawback is something i need to learn from, that's all. Baby Love proposed that we shouldn't eat in front of the TV, it's binge-inducing. She's right. Another thing is that if i feel like i'm losing control, i should cut all the activities and remain focused on my purpose. Much attention is needed to clear my head of desires and figure out conclusively if i am indeed hungry or just desirous. I miss all my activities, yesterday i indulged in lots of entertainment (after 4pm like i told myself), but i must be careful to not let slip the power of focus.

I'm saddened that writing makes me have cravings, i would have liked to write more these days...

I have to avoid all the calculations, "how many puffs per hour? What interval between puffs so that i should smoke 4 cigarettes per day? Etc". This math doesn't take into account the fact that my frustration is not constant, it has highs and lows, spikes. If i should catch a spike and have another half hour to wait before my next smoke, the resources necessary to fight through it will drain me and i won't be able to fight when the difficulty is merely medium, like it is now. My desire is unpredictable. This is a major weapon that the addiction has, the element of surprise. Constant vigilance!, as MadEye Moody would say. Constant vigilance is needed to combat this unknown, this unpredictability factor. I wonder if there's anything else i can do against this. Some sort of system, like if my frustration is at level 3/10, i could wait for 30 minutes and then have a smoke, whereas if it's at level 6/10, i could wait for only 10 minutes. Seems legit, maybe i could give it a try.

[..] nope, the waiting for a specific period of time thing doesn't feel right. It's so different from what i've been doing, and in the past it hasn't worked out. It somehow puts me out of control. And there's the risk that i may wait for too little. I don't know. Maybe it's not the right time to try it out.

[..] it's tempting, having reduced the cigarettes and the food intake, to ask myself what else can i bring into the fray so that i may reduce more? But i must remind myself that this is not the purpose. The purpose is to win against addiction. This means living the withdrawal for as long as possible. I'm not fighting cigarettes or food, these are just diversions, side missions. I'm after the motherload, freedom from addiction. I must not complicate it with different systems meant to reduce the number of cigarettes from 5 a day to 3 or 2 a day. I must spend as long as possible in the palate of withdrawal. Frustration is my friend in this fight, i have to remember this.

[..] i have to find a way to reward myself, or to celebrate something. I usually consume to celebrate or to reward myself, i don't think it's such a good idea. In fact, it's a terrible idea. I have to find a healthy way. A healthy reward system. But what? Something that won't feed any addiction. But is something like that going to be good enough to be a reward? I mean compared to what i've been using so far. I think i'll have to settle to the benefit of health and respect towards my own body. .... i searched the web and nothing interesting came up, nothing that i'm not already doing, and stuff that i don't thing suit me. The thing that made the most sense was to pay myself. Money. But i don't feel like it's for me. I would just want to buy stuff for Baby Love anyway. But after i turned the search off, i think i got it. I will massage myself, caress myself in a non-sexual way. Show some love for myself. Give myself some affection.