Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 May 04 Monday

Today i proposed to myself to have a free day. That means sitting on soft surfaces and no interval before i smoke. Free smoking. I'm really enjoying it in a way, but i'm having trouble disconnecting from the floor, it feels somewhat wrong to sit on the couch. Maybe i'll get over it and enjoy my free time. Yesterday i was tired, and i saw on the zen monastery schedule that they have Sunday afternoon and Monday off.

No reason to not keep my musical instrument close. And keep writing. I think the reason i'm having trouble disconnecting from my "work" is because it's hard to define what i do that's actually work. It's more like my discipline. Now that i have some free time i have to cut myself some slack, some freedoms. But it's a delicate thing, i found a delicate balance of stuff that i work on, now only some of them are relaxed. The things that are part of my discipline are:

- only two puffs per smoking session
- The 1 minute timer before smoking
- Keep my musical instrument close
- Sit on hard surfaces
- Mind/body practice
- No entertainment until 2pm

And that's about it. For my free time i only ask of myself to smoke just two puffs at a time.

[..] yesterday evening, after coitus with Baby Love and helping my parents with work, i felt a State. Everything around me felt annoying, except Baby Love. Well, not everything. Actually it was the noises around me that annoyed. It was like something inside wanted to listen to silence and the thing inside was an angry father that only tolerated silence and was scandalized by the innocent noises that his family made around him. Baby Love took herself to the bedroom and left me to brood alone. I love her so much. She understands. I was left alone in the living room (she took the cat as well), and i turned out the light, put on some nature sounds, for music was still annoying, and sat basking in the low light and the nature sounds. I felt a little frustration too, not regarding the sounds, but the fact that it felt like inspiration, and i didn't know how to express what i was feeling. I ended up doing the only thing that satisfied me, which was conscious breathing. I guess in that moment i was a breath artist or something. I searched for "breath artist" online and only came up with beatboxers and breathing exercises. Nothing about how others could consume art done in this way. The only way i figure it can be done is by my Baby Love sitting with her head in on my chest and listening to my breathing sounds. My mouth didn't want to move, and the mood for playing music in my head was scarce, so it's not that. I think it's an attention thing, an inspiration for the point of attention. I focused it on my breathing, but it could have been something else i guess. Certainly not the sounds that were made by my cat, or Baby Love tidying up her small office space on the balcony. Hmm.. there was a little dancing as well, but it didn't feel right. I guess breathing is an even purer instrument than dancing. I should explore this further, do some conscious breathing more regularly. I proposed that from 12pm to one i should spend time on soft surfaces, that is when i'm "working". Maybe i should combine this with conscious breathing. I fear that over-complicating my routine will make it difficult to follow.

[..] Baby Love woke up but she played a lot with the cat during our time together in the morning. Kinda stressed me out, all the action. So my State from yesterday came back, i took refuge in the bedroom but focusing on my breath doesn't work anymore. Music doesn't go in either, i put on some nature sounds again from mynoise.net, the nature radio. I don't know how these small things irritate me so much. I guess i don't like the cat very much at the moment. I will tolerate it for Baby Love's sake, but nobody is forcing me to stay in the same room with it while it's carrying on being a noisy cat so much.

I don't know what to do with my anger and frustration. Only way i know how to defuse myself is to wait it out.