Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 May 23 Saturday

Yesterday i only smoked 4 cigarettes. Without much effort. And i lost back almost all the weight i gained the previous day. I also resumed some of my activities. I was missing them too much, but still i think i could have focused more and gained some more ground against my addiction. I'm sorry if this subject of fighting addiction is not all that interesting, but this is my diary so i'll cry if i want to.

Just so that we're on track with the artsy part, i'll check in what my steps were yesterday in this direction. I tried to record some sounds out the window with my recorder, and in the background there should have been my music at low volume. But i couldn't make it work. There was too much wind and the recorder was clipping. And if i put the recorder inside in my room, the music was too loud for what i wanted to do. I wanted it to be some sort of field recording of the sounds outside our building, with just a hint of music in the background. Couldn't do it. Oh well, back to the music-in-the-foreground-and-outside-noise-in-the-background recordings.

On a different front, but still music-related, i practiced a bit with the metronome, but again it feels kind of first-grade-y to play just like that, following the metronome. My best approach when working with the metronome is to add a second tempo and follow that and the first tempo given by the metronome. This way is more in tune with my style, my flow. Just one tempo feels boxy somehow.

[..] getting back to the matters at hand, i wonder if i should integrate what i have learned and obtained so far - into my daily routine, fighting addiction when i feel like it with the confidence that feeling frustration means i'm winning, and getting back to my usual routine. I think for this weekend i will slack off a bit on the smoking front, and not keep constant vigilance, and keep eating regularly like i have been, not pig out. Then come Monday i'll see where we stand, if i feel like grabbing the bull by the thorns again.