Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Feb 20 Thursday

I woke up early today to get ready for rehearsals. Still over an hour left until i leave.

I've thought a bit and maybe all this writing in my diary has quenched some of my drive for creativity in other mediums. It's still clear that i'm in that village i spoke about yesterday, the meeting of the paths, but it doesn't feel as urgent today.

I'm in the search for a creative activity that i can do for hours on end. Something i can identify with. It has to be something i can do in utter quiet, too much noise and i become satiated quickly. So music is out of the question, i have to accept this.

So the immediate solution is my mind/body practice, sprinkled with bouts of writing. I think and move, then i write what i thought about. That seems pretty awesome. I can still think of myself as an artist - just not a musician, at least not as my primary medium.

It's important that i make this transition, for it's not wise to tie my reins to an unmoving donkey. I feel a bit like Neo, willing his mind to accept the new order before trying to make that huge jump.

It's a drawn out goodbye, music has been just an activity for me for some time now, even though i managed to keep it interesting with new approaches, albeit to the same old contemporary stuff i'm into.

Doesn't mean i won't be touching any musical instruments. I still have my skills and my system for improvisation, i can pick it up anytime and make something happen. It's just a mindset thing, i've moved on. I know i'm becoming repetitive, but it's more like i'm telling myself all this to get it straight in my head and make the transition.

30 minutes to go before i leave. I'm all set up, dressed and ready.

Yesterday evening, on our way home, there was a homeless person laying on the ground in a gangway, and someone asking them if they should call an ambulance. Young guy doing the tending to, smelled strongly of gym deodorant.

I think i tried this once in my day, to call an ambulance on a drunkard, now it seems futile, they're just drunk or high or whatever, doing their thing. I have this principle now that i don't make other people's problems into my problems. Don't look at me like i'm egotistic, i can feel the judgement.

Once there was this woman standing in front of traffic screaming, and i tried to save her. I don't actually know if she would have died, but i went in the middle of the street and dragged her to the sidewalk against her will, struggling and fighting me all the way (she was very strong). Called the police and ambulance, and the one thing the wise experienced woman from the ambulance told her that calmed her down was "you're exposing yourself".

Long story short, i spent about an hour with this lunatic, and afterwards i counted my chickens: a car could have run me over, she could have bitten me and given me any disease on Earth, i could have spent hours more if i had to go to the police station and give statements, and who knows what else might have happened that i can't see right now. Too much risk, too much sacrifice. Better to leave it be and not pretend i'm a superhero and it's a movie. I could have gotten AIDS or hepatitis, not worth it.

It was then that i decided that i have to have a stricter policy as to whom i help. Don't make strangers' problems your problem. Not everything in the world fits inside your small existence and comprehension. Did you know that there are people with AIDS sticking strangers on the street with infected needles?

[..] i had to get to rehearsal so that put a stop to my "it wasn't me" rant.

Oh God the rehearsal was so tiring.. 3 straight hours of going through all the material, when at the concert we're just gonna play for 1 hour. Then there was the way home, i arrived pretty beat.