Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Feb 21 Friday

Went to the post office again today. I asked an old lady that came after me in line if she wanted to skip ahead but she told me no. Then a guy came in using a cane. He was accompanied by a girl. I asked him too if he wanted to be in front and he said no, arguing that he is there with his wife. I didn't understand the connection, maybe she was there for support of some kind. He also mentioned the old grandma-looking lady, and i said i asked her too. The conversation ended there.

My goal here is not to insist that everyone pass in front of me, you have to understand. I don't want to be foolish and stepped on, just want to give the weak an opportunity, an advantage, should they want it. If they don't want it, i won't press.

Then at the supermarket there was another old lady behind me. While i was sizing her up, trying to decide if i should ask her if she would like to be in front, she left her basket in line and went back shopping. I said to myself "oh, one of those people, huh?". Then as she was walking away, she threw away a small piece of plastic on the floor next to her basket. Garbage human disposing of actual garbage where they shouldn't.

At this point i didn't want to let her through anymore, but afterwards thought that this is exactly the kind of person who wouldn't even say thank you. Making her the ideal candidate, the wicked exterior masking inner weakness and stupidity. Just looking for the shortcuts. The kind of person i used to damn, who would think this is her lucky day because some fool let her pass in front without even her having to be a bitch and ask for it non-verbally.

It's half past ten, 3 and a half more hours to go until entertainment.

I wonder if i should add listening to music to the list of activities that i can do before 2pm. This connects well to my desire for an even smaller bluetooth speaker. Right now i have the best of the best, a rather small speaker compared to the big studio monitors that i got rid of for lack of use.

I think i'd like that smaller speaker, thumb-size, in a wish to listen to more music. I don't actually need the smaller speaker, this one i have does it's job beautifully, it's portable (about the size of a rather large penis) and the sound quality is very satisfying. I think i'll scratch this wish for an even smaller one.

I decided i'm not getting anything new until my birthday, but that doesn't have to stop me from thinking about what i could get.

And isn't this desire for listening to more music a good enough reason for adding it to the <could do before 2 pm> list? I think when i made up the <no entertainment> rules, i mostly meant visual entertainment like Netflix or Youtube etc., you know, mindless binging to meaningless crap.

<Listening to music> has been upgraded. Just tuned in to some post-techno on Spotify. It sure doesn't do the trick. Silence is better at the moment. The sounds were putting me in a catatonic state a bit, paralyzing me from writing. I'll take a break from writing, put it back on and go lay down and do some mind/body practice.

[..] after doing some body/mind practice, i felt ready for the transition from my musical instrument to this silent instrument, the body/mind. I told my bandmates (different band from the one i rehearsed with yesterday, this is more improvisation-based, atonal, my usual cup of tea) i wanted to move and sing instead of playing my musical instrument, and both of them told me to bring my instrument as well, for backup. One told me this was to avoid awkward looks in case the movement/voice thing doesn't pan out.

One way of looking at this is that we started out with me playing my primary instrument, and now the transition is new and we want to hold on to every bit of safety we can find. Totally understandable, especially since both of them are insecure regarding their own musical abilities.

But another way to look at it is that my identity as an artist comes only after their view of me as a musician. In case the movement bit doesn't go as they would like, i should be constrained to my usual instrument.

I decided to take the instrument, to show consideration toward their feelings, but if they don't like me not playing my usual tool i don't know what i'll do.

I have this other guy that i play with, so that's already one band, and this one provides an income. As opposed to this freer setting which is mostly modern stuff so no financial benefits. I don't want three bands, so i have to decide if i want to keep this modern trio despite my not being able to take this new direction, movement, further. I think i'd be willing to give the band up altogether, and have the free energy available to conjure up a way to develop the movement part.

Another option would be to find another instrument player to replace me, leaving me open to do what i feel.

Would i be sorry if i left the band altogether though? I think i would, i'm only just beginning to look at this movement thing with dedication, as opposed to music, which i've been into for more than a couple of years.

[..] i played around with my instrument using a metronome and i decided i won't leave the band if they're not into my moves. With my music, i disbanded all the elements i could think of over the years, like genre, tempo, etc being strict as to what notes i play. Reached a sort of skeleton of sounds, very airy and minimal, abstract, atonal base of what music can be.

I feel like i went really deep and explored until i found a place in the musical universe that doesn't feel fun anymore. I figure it's time to backtrack and see what other options i have, maybe not dismiss music entirely.

[..] in turn, i did a bit of mind/body practice, and it feels completely different. Completely free, like being naked on an island, or invisible in a shopping mall. Much more is coming through.

Music, on the other hand, feels like just a part of myself, a separate universe that contains only my knowing and not much else, something almost secret and sacred that i'm the only witness to. A huge empty place where a part of me roams in a contained manner. Like a desert where this part of me that inhabits is the only thing possessing life, and it searches for the promised city. But it can take only a few steps each day, for it is very tiresome to travel. There are mysteries in the air, but none know their meaning, as it's a forgotten language.

The way i describe it, my music has some appeal as well. A former bandmate told me that instead of waiting until i'm 80 years old to reach my destination, i could try to learn tradition and accomplish in a few months (relative to my current level) something recognizable, and have fun with it. I declined his offer. Even if i never reach the promised land, this wandering in the arid desert will, i think, be a worthy life from a musical standpoint.

Apparently i'm through with music yet. I'll keep to my wanderings, but i think i'll do it solo, on my own. Anyway, i can't seem to find people to play with in the same style as when i'm solo. No compatibility. No one wants to wander the desert in the same direction, hoping that after a few equators will be the oasis of plenty.

Only thing is, i hope someone will follow in my footsteps, i hope i will be a mentor one day, and if i don't succeed in finding this Paradise City, someone else will keep looking, maybe with a different compass. By compass i mean their own personality and feel for music. Maybe in someone else's hands, my system for improvisation will seem like a blessing, a continuous jungle with waterfalls and beaches instead of my own brand of deserted badlands and canyons.

Meantime, i can continue with my development of movement practice.

Only thing is, with my movement practice, like i think i said in a previous entry, so much is coming out, i have to ask myself: how can i grow as an individual? How can my experience be one that others crave to have? If i had witnesses to my mind/body practice, would my life flavor be one that others would like to try? Would they come back to see me again?

Hard question to ask, if you're into creative activities.

[..] another good thing about the mind/body practice, with a little focus you can do it practically all the time. You're moving anyway, it's enough to do while listening to your body for a bit. I better look up this concept if i'm to teach my body/mind stuff someday.