Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Mar 12 Thursday

It's only 9:35 and already i started with the 20 minutes cycle for smoking. First 20 minutes wait was very invigorating. Woke me up better than the coffee. But how the coffee tasted when i drank it! You see, i postponed coffee until after the first 20 minutes were up, gave it a little time to not be hot anymore.

[almost 12] the cigarette thing is going well, a little frustrating but i'm keeping myself on top of it.

I would like to find some motivation to dance when i don't really feel the need or inspiration to dance.fffggfcgfcg9988a'a'aaaaa§jkjkl;l;],,,,,,,,,,mmmmkmkmmmmmm. N q§q § § §

That was me cleaning my precious keyboard. Unwilling art. Let me check out the modes i have for mind/body practice and pick one and go with it. In this sense, viewing it as a practice, best is to do it without motivation, i mean disregarding motivation. Like zen meditation: if you sit to reach enlightenment, your purpose will always elude you.

I think i'll choose uninvolved observation. I haven't been doing the practice for a few days and i miss it. This will spice up my 20-minute-puffs cycle. I'm watching dance videos and moving along with them, or at least at the same time.

[almost 1pm] i switched from using a timer on my phone to using the wristwatch i wear around the house. I'm planning on switching to 30 minute cycles.

The practice has transitioned naturally to add a certain strictness to the observation, it's not uninvolved anymore. A slowness of movement seems to become necessary, or at least feels good, but the slowness is not seeked deliberately, it just comes and feels good.

[7 minutes to 4pm] sometimes the focus on movement is very unstable. I was washing the dishes (for i am also Dish Master) and trying to observe my movement but every time i tried bringing my attention desirably, it slipped in a few seconds. I tried going through the modes of my practice, abandon, no focus.. still hard. The no focus one is of the most elusive to grasp intellectually, and hard it is to do it while still enjoying and absorbing the movement. I guess that's the whole point, to stop noticing the movement and just focus on- nothing actually. Maybe the task at hand, washing the dishes. This is the mode of the woman hanging the clothes out to dry, unaware.

Almost time to smoke again. I wrote a moving body, small, on my left hand, to remind myself to keep moving, even if i don't feel like it, to find a way that does feel satisfying or good. I want to watch more dance videos and get into it, everything i watch is pretty nice, i searched "Butoh" on Vimeo and sorted them by upload date.

[already past 9pm] i added another mode of mind/body practice: dancing with my eyes. It's a focus instrument i already tried while playing music but it get tiresome after a while. Even now my eyes feel tired a bit. It works very well when looking at photos. You let your eyes wander as they would. I'm not used to this freedom, mostly my eyes have been used for practical purposes, but i feel i'm getting somewhere. This may be a starting point for when i'm not in the mood to move other parts of my body. Anyway, it's on the board, so it will be looked at for the following weeks.

I wonder when will this quarantine be over.