Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Feb 26 Wednesday

I woke up feeling very mature today. Well, at least a bit mature. The conversation with Baby Love seemed quiet and collected in the morning, no fooling around.

She told me to ask for conversation and help whenever i feel in need, as was yesterday, i mentioned feeling disconnected in the morning.

Today i already finished half of my essentials. Took a walk. Next, it's shower time. My head is itchy, otherwise i can appreciate the smell of sweat wafting around me. Kinda like it.

I was a big metal head when i was in my teens, specifically Manowar fan. Today i remembered this and listened to the old songs on Spotify as i walked. Very uplifting, to reenter the feeling.

Back then i remember arguing with a stranger in a pub that Manowar's guitar player was the best in the world. Now i can't even remember his name.

Pretty epic, the atmosphere. Back then, i wrote a letter to Manowar, signed in my own blood, but then realized that it probably meant more to me than to them, so i didn't post it, kept it in a magazine but one day all my magazines were no more, and so was my letter. I remember writing that they should come to our city, arguing that our chicks are great. What did i know then about our chicks? What do i know now?

My latest interaction with people on the street was during a project my Baby Love proposed, inspired by a fashion Brit chick, can't remember her name. We walked around and asked people who dressed in a particular way about their clothes. Every person we interviewed seemed very special, each of them very unique in their own way. Made me appreciate my Baby Love all the more.

Compared to the individuals we talked to on the street, my Baby Love doesn't have this mist about her of confusion. Clarity to the max. It's probably one of the reasons why i don't feel the need to take a break from her, ever. There's no burden to carry. All breezy.

[..] i spoke with my mother and apparently they are thinking about stockpiling some resources too, so i felt we had the green light to do the same. I had been thinking about this for a couple of days, in our area the big supermarkets are already close to empty, but for some reason i needed confirmation from my parents. I don't know the reason, maybe i had doubts that it would come to anything like a quarantine, maybe the financial support that we receive from them warranted this reassurance that it's a good decision.

Got Baby Love on board, she was almost eager to cooperate and after a short discussion where i proclaimed myself to be in charge, she was very supportive. The reason why i have to be in charge, between the two of us, is that i have a mind better equipped to think about these things. All the paranoia and OCD that i've had over the years have prepared me. Plus i take a little bit of delight from preparing for the worst, a situation where the Internet and electricity is going to fall. Actually it's not  the preparation that brings me joy, it's the prospect of this direness actually taking place. We're by no means close to that point, but after seeing all those post-apocalypse movies, one can only dream. The unfortunate part will be all the death, already there is a lot of death.

Worst case scenario, should someone from our families die, i won't be so enthused anymore.

[..] i decided to limit my smoking to two cigarettes a day, starting tomorrow. That is, i already smoked my last for today. Consequently, i anticipate a lot more withdrawal talk in my upcoming entries, again, starting today.

Already i wish i'd be smoking. The negotiations with myself have started. The addicted part of my mind is playing of my lack of confidence, saying "i'm not sure i can do this".

"Maybe it's better to smoke just 2 puffs at a time, but for God's sake, KEEP SMOKING". "Then it's one puff at a time, then you can quit".

I'm tempted to choose this path of 2 puffs at a time, then 1. For this, i shall need more packs. Maybe buy some more Friday.

I took this route and improvised a 1-cigarette put-out-er. The problem with my regular ashtray, if anyone should care, was that if i smoke only 2 puffs, it's hard to put it out, there's not enough hot stuff at the end. So i plugged a jack plug adapter (big jack to small jack) into my metronome to keep it upright. The big jack entrance is perfect for the cigarettes i smoke, which are slim and beautiful, but deadly.

[..] the building manager here is making steps towards friendship from time to time. She just sent me a small video with an asian person improvising a face-mask out of a napkin stapled with a couple of elastic bands.

She's a delightful person with a mean streak. Very particular, not an easy person, but delightful all the same. Very helpful and she adores us. I want to keep the distance lest we get into a fight and lose the privileges that come along with getting on well with your building manager.

Baby Love is out to the movies, wanted to see that new one, Parasite, you know, won the Oscar. The house is utterly empty without her. Both me and the cat jump every time the elevator is used at our floor, even though I know (the cat must suspect this) that the movie won't end for another hour or so, and there's a 15 minute walk from the new cinema to our place.

Good thing, to have a cinema 15 minutes away by foot.

[..] i tried to smoke just one puff, but it was apparent that i'm not there yet. Gotta get used to this 2 puffs policy first. I think i'm gonna watch some more Walking Dread, still at the beginning of the first episode.

[..] i wonder what's the feeling when you wake up in the middle of your healing sesh from a gunshot to find the hospital deserted, in disarray, and no one around. How does it strike you, can you imagine? I think maybe Walking Dead is the perfect binge for an upcoming quarantine.

[..] oh God, Parasite takes 2 hours and 12 minutes, that means another half hour until the movie finishes. Then another 15 minutes to get here.. at least when it's done Baby Love will be able to talk or text. Better watch some more Walking Dead to take my mind off this time away. As if the feeling would go away..