Cheated and Pregnant (Editing)

36.

"Rosie are you sure you're okay?" He asked seeing my pain-stricken face.

A lump as formed in my throat preventing me from answering him. I know I'm not okay, I know he sees that I'm not okay so why lie about it.

I have strength left for this baby that I'm carrying to eat and don't stress and fall into depression but what I don't have the strength for is to lie and keep up a strong front.

The memories of my past are eating me alive from the inside. I hate how the memories resurfaced. That it was the cause of Josh and Tia betraying me.

Therapy helped me to live and suppress the memories but it didn't help me to deal with them and live with my past.

Ripping the bandaid didn't help the wound to heal if anything it made it worse.

I choked on a sob pulling my knees to my chest. The bed shift as he comes closer to me on the bed no longer sitting on the edge. He pulled me into his arms I unintentionally flinch but that didn't stop him from pulling me in.

"Shh," he held me to him my flowing tears soaking his shirt as he tries to calm me down. "I can't tell you it's going to be okay but I'm sure things will get better, " his words fall to my ears.

I tried to speak but I only choke up again. With my face red and eyes flooding over with tears I grabbed onto his shirt my fingers digging into it causing it to wrinkle. 

I'll never be okay. I'll never be whole and this it'll never get better. I don't think it could. I had hoped it had gotten better with my new life but it didn't. If anything it had gotten worse than how it previous was since there is another added pain another part of my life I wish to delete.

Things are not easily forgotten even when they are forgiven even forgiving is just as hard as forgetting and I keep fighting with the two.

They are both tangled with each other and I find it difficult to keep them apart to make it easier to forget and to forgive those that have done nothing but hurt me.

To take the one thing I had left leaving me empty. Null. Void. An abyss. I can never be normal again. I can never gain that peace and that love my body, mind, and soul yearn for. To feel something that isn't sadness, pain, loneliness.

I've been so depressed after him so closed off. So depressed I had thought so many times about ending the pain and the hurt in one way that I know I could, the only way there is to end the depression.

I tried unsuccessful so many times I gave up when they would save me as they try to fix me. I thought I couldn't be fixed, that I couldn't be that girl anymore but I wouldn't be that girl anymore. I can't not after what she went through. What the man put her through and what she escaped. How could she revert to that girl?

That girl was weak, so vulnerable that the man took advantage of her and used her in the ways he could. The ways he thought fit and just. She was left in the care of a monster that tore through her every being and fiber.

How she had hoped and wished for death at that time. How she had prayed to any god listening to take her life and end it all. How those days after he had perished she wished she had perished with him. How she tried to perish too. How she wanted to die in those months.

They finally got through to her. Or more like she was tired of fighting them that she just gave in and let them heal her rather than death but wounds can be reopened if not healed properly.

She wasn't she anymore she was more healed a little better but that girl she became still felt empty until she met him.

I felt whole than when he came into my life. To me, Josh had rescued me. He saved me at that time from going back into depression. How he had kept me sane and happy in those years and moments.

You should know that sometimes the one that saves you from drowning can drown you too. They could save you but they are no hero, anti-hero that would be the end of the potential end you were facing before.

There is no real hero but there is always a girl or a boy in distress. The only hero is you. I am a hero but how do I save myself. Alone. How can I stop me from tearing myself apart? How do I stop these memories from defeating me? How can I live with something that won't just go?

The memories won't just leave me. They are apart of me, embedded in my subconscious triggered by being reminded of who that girl was. That girl was me.

I squeezed my eyes shut the last of my tears running down my face as he rocked me calming me down. I felt drain too tired to cry anymore.

Through my crying ritual, I was pulled into his lap his arms around me as my head laid against his chest. My eyes were swollen and heavy and there was no doubt that they were red from all the crying. My nose was stuffy from all the crying so the room was no longer filled with my sobs of pain but now remnants of my crying as I sniff.

My hands were still fisted in his shirt as I held onto him like if I somehow let go I would fall and there was no way of stopping that fall that would be detrimental to my health and the baby's health.

I breathe through my mouth when breathing through my stuffy nose was in vain. I felt so numb and if he wasn't holding me in his arms like he is now I know I would be cold.

He didn't let me go that night. He held me in his arms brushing his fingers through my hair as we both sat in silence my puffy eyes aching.
I could feel his heart beating against my wet cheek as my head still lay in my sorrow.

Drained from all the crying sleep didn't evade me but took me into its warmth. I didn't fight it not that I could only let it wrap itself around me and take me under into the abyss of dreamland.

But I don't want to dream I want to sleep a dreamless sleep. Where my mind is fully asleep and dreamland is as tired as I am to bring up images of a dream that might be a nightmare or something that isn't real.

I don't want to wake up screaming or frowning at the disappointment that my dream is not my reality but mostly a nightmare.

My face felt stiff when I woke up in the morning and that want the only thing. Strong arms circle around my waist my back leaning against a firm front.

Through my half-open eyes, I turned around in the arms around me coming face to face with my boss laying asleep in front of me with his arms around me. My eyes widened at the sight.

He stayed last night and slept right beside me. I jumped out of bed my hands circling my body like a cold breeze just passed through the room. My movement woke him up and he peered up at me with his morning face. Droopy eyes and disheveled hair. He brings his hand down his face looking at the spot that I was moments ago sleeping then back up at me. He sat up in bed dragging himself to the headboard leaning back on it never taking his eyes away from me.

"Are you okay?" He asked eyeing me. I nodded staring at my bare feet on the carpet. "Did you sleep okay?" He continued with his questions his eyes burning on my skin as he watched me fidgeting on the spot.

Of course, I'm uncomfortable and it's awkward for me to wake up next to my boss after crying my eyes out messing up his shirt. A shirt he's still wearing now. "I'm going to change then make breakfast for the both of us, " he announced getting up out of the bed throwing the sheet off of him. I nodded. "You should freshen up too, " he added glancing at me before he leaves.

I stand there before I decided to move to go into the bathroom. The first thing I decided to do when I stepped into the bathroom was looking in the mirror. The image reflected at me was no disappointment. Unruly hair that is worse than bed hair and what could be worse than the tangled hair on my head. My eyes were swollen and red black bags colouring under my eyes.

I turned away from the person staring back at me and prepared my bath.