Cheated and Pregnant (Editing)

49.

To be honest the therapy session wasn't so bad like I thought it would be. This time it was different. I wasn't being forced to tell her what happened that night or many nights. Just a few simple questions that I was able to answer because they were mainly about me.

"How was it?" He asked.

"It was good." He nodded smiling that it went well and he doesn't have to convince me to go back.

"That's great to hear, I thought I would have to force you to go back but what did I expect Dr. Brown is the best out there." I rolled my eyes.

Dr. Marcia Brown is very nice and patient with me and very understanding. She doesn't push questions I don't have to answer and when I'm hesitant she doesn't rush me.

"Take your time darling there's no rush." She sat there with her legs crossed looking very relaxed like this was a meeting with a doctor and a patient but two friends chatting. She made the air light and the room wasn't heavy like in the other therapy office rooms that I've been in.

It was a relief for both me and her. "I think this calls for a celebration." I rolled my eyes. He poured me a cup of orange juice and a cup for himself.  "Cheers." He hits his cups on mine.

I smiled. "Don't celebrate just yet the worse of it is yet to pass."

"We'll get through this Rosie, together. Let's just take this one at a time." I'm getting to love the 'we' thing that's been going on. It's always we even though I don't give him any reason to stay by me.

That's why I keep this smile on my face, keep the lights on to chase away the darkness. I've realized that I have to do this for myself not only for the life I'm going to have an impact on but for myself so that I can find peace.
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I sat across from Dr. Marcia as she smiled softly at me. It wasn't the typical therapist room. I wasn't even out of the house since Derek thought I would be more comfortable and open it I stay here and do all my consultation. So instead of going to Dr. Marcia, she comes to me.

And to be honest it did. I'm not that closed off or intimated by the woman sitting across from me.

"Did you sleep well last night?" She asked casually.

"I did."

"Good, now let's start off from where we left off yesterday. You said that it was just you and your mother up until you were ten years old." I nodded. "What happened to your father? What about other family members? Aunty, uncle, cousin or grandmother or grandfather."

"Like I said it was just my mother and I. No other family members. Not a grandpa or grandma. My mother was an only child and she doesn't talk about her parents a lot and when I ask her about them she says it's no use talking about someone that is already dead. From there I started assuming that my mother had some falling out with her parents since she never talks about them and when I ask I'll always get the same answer." I shrugged.

"Now about my father. I know nothing about him. All I had was his last name that changed and my mother never talked about him and when I asked she clams up."

"Did you ever think about finding him?" She asked.

"I have but how could I find someone with no information, not even a name, he was a ghost to me." She hums nodding her head.

"If your father was right here what would you say to him?" She continued with her questions.

"I don't know, I haven't thought about that. I just wanted to meet him. To know that I really have a father."

"So what was your mother like when you were growing up?" She asked.

"She was both a mother and father to me. I loved her she would always bake me cookies after school. I didn't have lots of friends, she was my best friend. She didn't yell at me but would scold me from time to time and my birthday was the best since she was the best baker I knew. I loved her chocolate cakes, I only live every year for that cake." She smiled when I said that.

"On Easter she would hide chocolate eggs all around the house, on Christmas it was just the two of us so she didn't go all out in food but the decorations always out shines everyone else on the block, she was just the best, just the two of us and we were happy."

"How would you describe her before?"

"She was kind-hearted, optimistic, affectionate and all those good things and even if she had flaws I would say that was her best attributes, that's what made her my Mom."

"And before."

"She was the same, she was so happy, we were happy until she got sick," I wipe a tear that was rolling down my face remembering my mother's smiling face, her laugh even when she was upset with me I miss her angry face. She hands me a tissue and I happily took it. I haven't cried for my mother since.

She was so sick, barely could lift her hand because of how weak she was. The medicine was no longer working for her. She got more tired and more depressed, she lost a lot of weight and she just didn't look like herself again the once healthy mother I knew with glowing skin and a dazzling smile instead she was a dry, hollow shell and that was the last memory of my mother before she left me alone with him.

"She was all I had, I not only lost my mother but I lost my best friend. She was everything to me and I lost her." I didn't stop to wipe the tears from my eyes. I let them run down my face as I let my heart bleed. "If I was given the chance to save her life with my own I would, I'd do anything to bring her back, anything." I hiccuped. I didn't care if I wasn't a pretty crier. I was letting it all out.

All the time I wanted to cry for her, to call out to her but knowing that when I cry mommy or mom there will be no one running to hug me. To scare away the monsters in my closet and tell me that my nightmare was only a dream and I'm okay. To pick me up when I fall down. To be there when the real monster started to attack me so that she could save me and I know that she would have saved me.

The hole that have tried to ignore and the door that I thought I shut and locked with the key was still wide open and the wound that I thought was healing was only festering. It was eating away at me and for the first time I acknowledge the fact that she is really gone forever and there is nothing I could do about it.

Did you know what these things do to you when you have ignored something for so long that needed proper treatment? I didn't let it heal or anything and it was like trying to run on a broken leg or fly with one wing.

I have been crippled for years now with this. Living with a sprain all my life but now I have decided to rid myself of it by breaking it so that it can finally heal properly.

I have so many sprain that needs breaking to properly heal and this is the first one and even though it's so painful it's the best feeling I have ever felt.

It was then I knew I was going to be okay and what I have to do in the near future.

"That would be all for today Rosie." Dr. Brown conclude the meeting for today. She helped me to calm down and stop the crying before she left with a reminder to take care of myself and eat.

On the thought of her demands she reminds me of Derek when he would leave in the mornings or in the evenings warning me to eat.

He has been so good to me but no matter I'm still cautious around him and his intentions. The last man that promised to take care of me destroyed me.

It feels like any moment now he would turn on me. But why do I stay in his house or let him come around if that is the case. I can't lose what little I have left yet I bet it all on him like a gambler hoping that this last penny would be the winning one.

And I hope it is, if not then all would be over and I could just call this game over.