Cheated and Pregnant (Editing)

47.

I was waiting and waiting. I looked at the time five minutes ago and I knew he has already left work and it's making me all nervous tapping my foot, biting my lip, and rubbing my sweaty palms on my sweats to keep them dry.

Why was I so nervous? This is Josh. I've been with him for five years. I know him so I shouldn't be this nervous to talk with him.

But it feels like I don't know him anymore. If I wasn't feeling so tired and the added weight I would be pacing right now so I stick to biting my fingernails.

The sound of knocking interrupted my thoughts. I was relieved that the chain to all that negativity was finally broken but it had jerked my nerves making me more nervous about this meeting seeing that he's outside the door some feet away from where I am sitting on the couch.

I stood in front of the door my thoughts running more than it was before he came. Reluctantly I opened the door stepping aside to let him in.

I fiddle with my fingers telling him to take a seat and offering him something to drink. "Thank you but I'm good," he refused, shaking his head.

I sat down on the single couch and got comfortable. I wiped my hand again on my sweats listening to the silence not knowing how to start this conversation or if I wanted to go back into that part of my life that hurt. I let out a heavy sigh knowing what I must do.

"First I'll like you to know there's no chance of us ever getting back together. Not in this universe or the next," he winced from the harshness of my words. I know I'm making the right choice. Right? I don't want to jump back into or start over a relationship with him knowing that I won't forget everything he did to me. Five years is nothing compared to what he has put me through the past months.

I don't want to be with him now and then a few months or maybe years from now I'm still holding what he has done to me over his head. I've suffered too much to let this be my life with a man that I can't trust.

But it wouldn't be fair to keep his child away from him or him away from his child. I'm going to try the other way to make this work for the baby.

"I know," he said softly his hope dying sitting there defeated.

"Lucky you, we still have a connection," my words were bitter, sharpened to cut lines into him. "This baby is the only thing allowing you to see me ever again and for the baby's sake and nothing else I'm offering you friendship as the father of my child so that you can be in his or her life."

We talked about my appointments and I invited him to the baby shower. Don't think me an idiot it's appropriate he's the father after all. I want to be mature about this even if I'm still fragile with the situation but I know I'm growing stronger. I have to. Life is not waiting for me to stop the giving and get up off the floor. It won't give me time to lament about my past and my present. I just need to fix it now so that I can better my future.

I closed the door behind him going back to the couch that I was sitting in. I wasn't so burdened anymore as it felt like a weight have been lifted off my shoulder that I've been carrying for quite some time now. Now I just feel as light as a feather and nothing to worry about.

I decided to take a nap. I'm getting more tired of lately.

...

Half asleep I got out of bed walking out of my room and into the bathroom. I relieved myself yawning. I was my hands flashing off the excess water drying it on a towel.

I was just going back to bed when the smell of food stop me and I changed direction to the kitchen. Did I leave something on the stove cooking before I went to take my nap? I'm very sure that I didn't. Then that would mean Derek is here.

Sleep quickly left me at the thought of Derek and food. When I walked into the kitchen it didn't take long for him to notice my presence.

"Good, you're finally awake. I'm almost done." He said. I nodded and he went back to doing what he was doing. It smells good too. I sat down around the small table and waited for him to finish. To pass the time I asked.

"What time is it?" Talking around a yawn.

"Minutes after seven."

"And when did you get here?"

"Minutes after five." He answered. "You were out cold and I didn't want to wake you so I just went ahead to prepare something for you to eat knowing how forgetful you are."

That meant I sleep for four hours. He placed a steaming plate If food in front of me. He had a cook meatloaf. I didn't waste a second before digging in. It tasted so good. He's a good cook better than me. That's why you should never judge a book by its cover before I thought all he did was lift his fork to eat but never know how to prepare his food.

"He didn't give you any trouble did her because I have no problem to kick his sorry ass," he started breaking the eating silence.

"I didn't give him a chance to. Just made things clear between us and where he stands nothing more." I went back to eating after that. I wasn't the one to talk when I'm eating wanting to do more than that instead of talking but Derek had other ideas and wasn't going to let the silence return to the small table.

He hummed. "So how was your day?" He asked cutting to a different conversation.

"The usual. Eat. Sleep. And if I have enough energy to spare I'll watch TV or read in-between since I'm getting more tired lately."

"I think you should get out more. Cooped up in this apartment is no good for you are the baby. Maybe take small walks. You need the exercise." He advises.

I frowned. "Are you calling me fat?" That took him back a little. He shakes his head.

"No, no that's not what I meant. It's just that..." He tried to find the right words to explain that he's not calling me fat but I didn't take offense I just wanted to know if I've gotten fat but I didn't want to ask in that way to make him think that I'm self-conscious about my body and how it is changing during my pregnancy.

"It's okay. I do need to get out of this apartment take in more fresh air a day adding that daily walking to my schedule too. Don't want to get too fat do we?" I smiled going back to eating.

That was the conversation we had for the rest of the night until he kissed me on the forehead telling me good night.  I always felt alone every time after he left me with a good night and see you tomorrow or soon.

I hated being alone and I hated that I was getting dependent. That I'm using him to chase away my loneliness. The only thing keeping the guilt from eating away at me because I'm not doing it intentionally. He just helps me coops day in and day out and I need him. He's my medicine until I find another way to help with these demons. He offered and I took it.

There's nothing wrong with taking advantage of that, is it? 

I went to bed with all of that on my mind and some more.