My True First [18+]

Chapter 33

I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and my skin damp. It wasn't from Liam's arm that was hugging me, pressing me to his warm body.

The bad dream I had sucked me into a whirlwind of worries and doubts. Too much happened too fast, and I struggled to get to grips with my new reality and my relationship with the guy in my bed.

He was lying beside me, hugging my waist and wearing a peaceful expression on his face as his chest rose and fell following a rhythmic pattern.

Careful not to disturb Liam's hopefully dreamless sleep, I lifted his arm off me and sat on the bed. A quick scan of the bedroom floor helped me locate Liam's tee I put on before shoving my feet in my fluffy slippers and leaving the room.

The kitchen would be my preferred spot to hide in, but I went out to the balcony instead.

Warm yellow light in some windows of the building opposite ours was a sure sign that I wasn't the only sleepless person on our street. I took in the view in front of me, gripping the railing. Tumultuous thoughts began to creep into my mind, and I tried to block them to no avail.

I wanted Liam. He woke up a part of me that felt each caress of his intensely and wanted to respond to his touch. I loved his kisses, and I enjoyed kissing and touching him.

The cautious part of me was begging me to go slow. The insecure one was telling me to be skeptical about the things he said. The sensible one kept reminding me that it was time I let go of thoughts that held me back, not allowing me to be happy and move past what happened.

Unfortunately for me, Liam wasn't right. I had an issue. What he witnessed was just a mild episode of panic. The ones I used to have were way worse.

Once, I started to feel bad during a party. My ex called me a drama queen, and I bolted out of his friend's apartment, desperate for some fresh air.

Luckily, Ava was the one who saw me throwing up on the sidewalk during her usual evening run. She led me to our place and made me a cup of chamomile infusion to help my stomach, distracting me with talks about some of the books she read. Ava didn't push and didn't ask questions, but every time I went out with my ex, her eyes gleamed with barely disguised disapproval.

Letting Liam see me lose it like that would've been embarrassing. I already showed him the worst parts of me, getting drunk in the club and saying God knows what on our way back to our place, not to mention the things he refused to tell me about, like how he took care of me when I felt sick.

I wanted to give us a chance. The way I felt when I was with Liam wasn't something I'd experienced before. Being with him felt natural and effortless. There was no pretending, just honesty and interest: that, and our explosive chemistry.

I promised him I would think about letting him take things further. I craved it and him, and my answer would be yes if I didn't have issues and needed help. Ellie might be the one who could lend me a hand with that, if she was still my friend. I wouldn't blame her if she was angry with me.