Mine To Forget

33. What we deserve

I was sitting in my backyard, trying to catch some air, as I was feeling a little uneasy inside. I heard a knock on the door. Someone called my name and to my surprise, it was Mrs. Dawson.

"I am in the backyard," I shouted.

"How are you feeling now?" She asked me as she come into view.

"I am good. It's nice to see you, Suzanne." I smiled at her.

"It's good to see you too, April. I was worried for you, kiddo." She came and sat beside me. 

"I am fine, just a little weak. That's it." I said, trying to reassure her. 

"If you don't mind, can I ask you something?" She asked me.

"Where are your parents, April?" 

I sucked in a breath. Where are my parents? The question I have been running from and the question I can never gain the courage to answer.

"You don't have to answer me but I am worried about you. You stay in this house all by yourself. You are just a kid, honey. You were lucky that there was someone around you when you fainted. I don't even wanna think about what would've happened if you were alone." Concern, laced in her tone.

I looked away. I don't know how to answer this question. But I knew I had to say it. I trust and love Suzanne and I know that she will understand.

"My parents ...hmmm. I don't know. My father he...." I choked up a little "My father died not even a year back and my mother, I don't know where she is."  I tried so hard not to cry but I couldn't stop the tears from spilling.

"My father did some bad things and now my mother and I have to suffer the consequences." 

"Oh honey, I am so sorry. Come here." She hugged me and I broke down in her arms. "It's not right. You shouldn't suffer, no child should suffer because of the mistakes their parents made." Suzanne spoke

I stayed there for a moment and it felt so peaceful. Only if my mother was here to hold me.

"I always dreamed about a normal happy family and a swing in my backyard. That's it and somehow   even that was too much to ask for." I wiped my tears.

"Suzanne, can I say something to you?" I looked up and asked her. She nodded.

"As you said, no child should suffer because of the mistakes their parents made. I know I have no idea what you have been through in your life and no one can ever understand what you have been through. But I do understand what it feels like to lose a parent and to suffer the consequences of their mistakes." I looked down, trying to drink my tears back. 

"All I ever wanted was for someone to understand me and I can only hope that someday, someone would hold me and tell me that things are gonna be alright. After my father died, my mother left and I had no one, I was all alone. So I understand. But only if you could maybe...give Alex..." and before I could say more, Suzanne looked at me in shock.

"No!" and with that, she got up and left.

My heart was pounding in my chest. I knew I had crossed my limits. I..... just sat there. I don't know what to feel. What if I unintentionally, hurt Suzanne, and what if she hates me now? I took a long breath and went back inside. There was food kept on my table. 

Suzanne got me food and I hurt her like that? I am soooo gonna die from this guilt. Oh, God! What have I done?

A few hours later, I heard someone loudly banging on my door. I opened my door to see a very angry Aiden standing in my doorway. Oh boy!

"How could you?" He screamed and he brushed past me and stormed inside.

"Come on in," I whispered. 

"How could you?" He turned to shout at me this time, even louder if that were even possible.

"Okay, Aiden. Only if, for a minute you could just calm down and let me explain........" I said but Aiden cut me off.

"Explain? There is nothing for you to say or explain...This is none of your business, April!" He was so angry at me right now. I could see him fuming at me.

"Aiden.....Just calm down okay.. please." I said again, trying to calm him down but in vain. 

"April, I don't care how good of a friend Alex is to you. But I can't forget how his mother and his father betrayed my mother. I witnessed her crying for days in her room and you are asking her to accept Alex? How dumb are you! Only if you had a family, you would know!" He yelled at me.

I just should there dumbstruck. Wow!

"He is your father too Aiden and what was Alex's fault? He was a child when his mother died Aiden! You just hate him because he was born to those people! That's it! He does not deserve any of this bullshit that you throw at him! And that poor guy still blames himself for breaking up your family when it is not even his fault. He was a child who needed someone, a brother Aiden!" I lashed out at him.

"If you have so many issues about your father, take it out on someone else, Aiden Dawson. You are blaming the wrong person. Alex is as innocent as you and Alice are."

We stood there, in complete silence for a minute when he spoke again.

'April...I" I knew he was guilty of what he said but it doesn't matter. You can't take your words back.

"I have nothing else to say to you, Aiden. All I can say is I am sorry but, even you know that I am not wrong." 

He looked up at me "April I..."

"Go home Aiden." I opened my front door as a cue for him to leave.

I knew he was looking at me but I didn't dare look back at him. I just stood there, waiting for him to leave and he did. I closed the door behind me and ran upstairs, tears flowing down my face.

I opened my cabinet to find some painkillers and sleeping pills. I took them all out in my palm and then in a single-serve, I swallowed them.

My tears were rushing down my face, as I looked at myself in the mirror. And then I realized what the fuck I just did. I can't do this. I am not weak and I can't let someone else's word affect me so much that I'd take my own life. I panicked.

I instantly pushed my fingers down my throat making myself puke my guts out. After throwing up, I cleaned myself. 

But my tears didn't stop. I slid down the wall and sat there and cried and cried till I passed out.