The Maia and Ross Diaries

C55 - The Word Itself says I'm Possible

Pain sucks. Pain is the only thing that's telling me I'm still alive. And alive I am. Why does it hurt so much? Why does it never go away... just when things are going well... Another problems strucks. I guess that's why they invented the word almost.

I lent my ears on dad's door, when he didn't come out to eat what Hailey and I made. It was the neglect, I feared would happen. When our actual mom died, dad never came out of his room. He gave up one day until he just came out. To go to work... that is and from then on he learned to live with what happened. All my history seemed to become my present again.

Now it was a Tuesday and he wasn't at the estate also known as his job. "Dad, don't do this again." I whispered faintly throughout the door. After a minute, I knew he wasn't coming out. I put my back toward the door and bent down until I hit the floor in complete despair. It's happening all over again. It was all so familiar. The police we're doing their job poorly as usual -- They said they'd do all they could to find Stormie's murder, but all they could wasn't everything. The police would be here tomorrow to inform us on any information, which would be nothing important.

Clutching my legs to my face, I knew that I couldn't hold the family together. I knew that my father was doing the same thing I was doing on the other side of the locked door. I miss that family we had already. Thanksgiving, Christmas, a New Year without mom was horrible but now that Stormie's gone this year's holidays we're not going to make it in this family. My dad was going to be alone.

The snow was melting. All of it, and spring arrived earlier than usual. It was the second day of March, and my birthday would be next week. What a horrible way to start the birthday month. Losing a loved one... and the worst thing in the world... was you could do nothing about it.

Isolated in my room, I didn't think I could wait for the next bad thing to happen. I wanted to write it all out, but instead I just stared at the journal on top of my computer. I knew that I wasn't going to cry anymore, because if I did all hope would be lost -- and my light would really drown.

In my head I was broken and screaming in Ross' arms. I was yelling "Make it stop!" But it wouldn't stop, so I had to stop acting like a vulnerable little girl. I wanted to be a powerful young adult. One of those mistakes that easily just rise into greatness, something like that.

When I graduate I want to not be the little weak girl who lost. I didn't have to be.

"Maia," Hailey came in with the burnt gloves on from our attempt at cooking. We managed, but as you can tell either of us are experienced in the cooking.

Hailey was being strong to. There was no reason to cry anymore. She scooted on the side of my bed while I was in the middle feeling deflated. I was fully dressed, but I felt like I was stripped and deprived.

"I love how you're acting to be so strong, but I'm your sister and I know how you really feel. I prank you all the time." She threw her gloves off, and tossed them.

I looked at her giving a soft smile. Hailey had gone off the rails at a point, and this was the sister she was before mom died. Annoyingly, sarcastic but loving... and here...

"I want to scream in my pillow." I sighed while looking away.

"No matter how psycho that sounds... I know you've been through a lot of stuff this year. You moved to Manhattan posing as some Sabrina and now your back and everything was supposed to be perfect like I tried to compel you, it'd be. But you we're right." She was talking fast. "You're always right." When Hailey talked fast it usually meant she did something bad. But I saw the water in her eyes and her frantic hand movements. She was as dramatized as I was.