𝙉𝙤𝙬 𝙄'𝙢 𝙃𝙚𝙧𝙚 || ᴅᴇᴀʟᴏʀ ✓

22 - Every way I go, I'm bound to lose

December 30th
I woke up and my bed couldn't have been more emptier. My heart ached as I ran my hand on his side of the bed. I missed my love. I miss Roger.

I tried dragging myself out of bed, but I ended up sinking back, trapping myself in my emotions, my despair, my anguish, and my pain. My tears unintentionally trickle down my cheeks as I reminisce about the times I had with him.

The way he gives me small kisses in the morning to wake me up, the way his body wriggles on the bed as he finds the warmth of my body in the middle of the night, the way his lips curl into a smile whenever I tell him how beautiful he is, and the way he twirls his fingers on my palms whenever he wants to intertwine it with his.

I haven't realized how big this house is until today. The silence is deafening and the walls in the room seemed to have shrunk smaller and smaller until I can't breathe anymore.

I am now aware how alone I am. I'll always be alone in the end.

December 31st
The loud ringing of the phone detached me from my thoughts and I tried to cover my ears so I won't hear them anymore. It stopped for a while then it rang again, wanting to be picked up.

I groaned as I stood up and reached for the phone and Freddie's enthusiastic voice shook me out of my disoriented state. "John? Hello? Are you there?" I hummed and he just laughed.

"Still sleepy, dear?"

I rolled my eyes and hummed again.

"Come over." He said.

"I'm not in the mood, Fred. I just want to be alone."

"Alright, dear. Then I'll just come there." He said hurriedly.

"No. No..." I said but he hung up. Ugh! I'm not in the mood to see anyone right now!

I sighed heavily as I unlocked my front door then went back to bed and just laid there, waiting for him to come. I was about to fall asleep when the doorbell rang and I rolled over and covered myself in a pillow. "He can figure out that the door's unlocked." I mumbled.

Freddie burst through my bedroom door and my stomach grumbled at the smell of the pizza he was holding in his hands. I realized that I have neglected to eat since yesterday so I intend to devour the meal he had brought.

"How are you, John?" One question. That one question broke me and I crumbled down on his chest. He rubbed my back soothingly as I cried my heart out to him. I was vulnerable, and I needed him.

He shushed me down, continuously rubbing my back until I calmed down. Then he pulled away from me and looked into my eyes. "Everything's going to be alright." He whispered and I looked away.

I know I'm a mess and everything's not going to be alright. He doesn't need to sugarcoat it.

He just stayed there, keeping me company, feeding me, and trying to distract me from my feelings. I almost puked when I swallowed a bite of the pizza. My body is rejecting food but Freddie was patient, telling me that Roger won't like it if I starved myself.

I threw my slice across the room when I heard his name again and dropped my head into my hands as my body started shaking. It hurts. It still fucking hurts.

Freddie stayed the night, he said he doesn't want me to spend New Year's eve alone. He laid next to me in bed and I snuggled on his chest as I fell asleep.

I missed having someone to sleep with. His warm body gave me comfort as he pulled me closer and hugged me tighter.

He was comfortable. But he will never be as comfortable as Roger.