Still Holding On

eighteen

❁ TWO WEEKS LATER ❁

"Okay. Here it is. He is strangely cute. There it is. I have accepted it to myself. Okay?" I said giving her the benefit of the doubt. Jessica can get hectic.

"You like him Allan. That is what i want you to accept." Jess giggled.

I don't like him. He is adorable as fuck and all of those things that he does are really amazing and they do make me feel different and respected even in the slightest way possible but no. I don't like Jace Gray. 

Because there is no point. I can't be one of those gay guys who end up liking their straight friends just cus they are hot and tall and have messy hair and have a voice like JOSHUA BASSETT. 

Ugh! His voice though.

But his eyes. They were what I thought about the most. They were like those hollow holes. Those wanting to be filled. Dark and deep but bright and light. Strange and outrageous but equally soft and delicate. Like voids. Nothing but everything at the same point. Gray voids. Deep gray voids.

"Can I start calling you Alice?" What? Why does Jessica want to call me Alice. I can't even handle Allan for fuck's sake.

"What? Why?" I hesitated.

"You have started getting lost in your wonderland more often now. Did you even here what I said or were you busy thinking about Mr. Hot Mess?"

"Jessica Colebrooks. I'd request you to shut your mouth up and not talk about Jace. Okay?" But it was true. I am scared. I am thinking of him way too much than I need to. He is just a guy that is treating me well enough. Why in seven heavens would he be gay or into guys even for a split second? I mean I am sorry but being gay is a whole lot of work.

I didn't even have this thought in my mind. Like NOOOOOOOOO. It is all Jessica. She is out of her mind. I mean the first thing she asked as soon as I answered the call was "Why you smiling so hard?" And I am damn sure I wasn't smiling.

I hope I wasn't.

Fuck was I smiling?

Cus if I was smiling it was probably cus of the argument Jace and I were having 10 minutes before Jessica's call about how Daenerys deserved way better than her dragon being butchered by the White Walkers in the 7th season of Game Of Thrones.

I. DON'T. LIKE. JACE. GRAY. 

Jace and I had something different. It wasn't black. It wasn't white. It was somewhat in between. It was Gray.

But that is why it was strange. Things had always been either black or white. Nothing and never in between. That is why this felt different and new. I didn't expect something gray in my black and white world.

Anyways. End of discussion.

And then Jess asked me about how close are we. Jace and I. And also how often did we hangout.

I told her we just went for a movie last night. We talk on a call at least once a day. He drops me home after school ever since he bought a second-hand car. He is satisfied with it. That's the best part. We sit next to each other in our Centre sessions. I am at Jace and Cole's place almost all the time now. And ever since then she thinks I like Jace Gray.

"Anyways I'm gonna take a nap." I announced. I was unsure if I should've said that but I did want to take a nap. It's not like Jessica would refrain herself from saying it if she was sleepy. She has cut me out on calls more than I can count. So I shouldn't think twice before doing that.

But it felt wrong. She would go cus she was genuinely busy. I am scared if I am doing the same thing as her—the cutting out thing—but only on purpose.

Fuck it. I just wanna sleep and that's why I am asking her to cut the call. Thats it.

"Ogiiiiiiiii. Don't oversleep. Byeeeeeeee." She said.

I got off the call and slid more deeper into my blanket. I snuggled into its softness that was slowly fading away as the blanket was slightly aging. The cold breezes gushing thoroughly through my open window were announcing that winter was almost here. Right around the corner hiding and waiting to jump out like a little kid playing and hiding. It was getting colder. Every second. But it was beautiful. The type of cold that someone would like. The low lying air was dancing around.

And I fell asleep. Don't know when. But I did. That night I dreamt of dark places—Timid dark places. Like my dream was all colorless. Black and white. And Gray. Just like voids.

❁❁❁

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