Still Holding On

thirty

Maddie called me Jace' boyfriend. I freaked out for a second but then realized how good that made me feel deep inside.

Lily—Maddie's girlfriend—was not what I expected at all. She was pretty and dressed in this amazing bright red dress that Maddie would probably never wear. Maddie liked jeans and jackets more. It was obvious.

Anyways, Lily and Maddie were walking towards food corner of the carnival, thanks to my sudden need of some alone time with my boyfriend.

"You didn't have to send them off like that." Jace smiled. He knew I didn't want him to get all cheezy and specific. Cus if he would, I'd blush. Hard.

"Umm I kinda did." And I was red. But what if this is what I wanted all along. Those cheezy little moments—holding hands, laughing on random jokes. Maybe those cheezy moments were all I wanted along. I am confused. Terribly confused.

We started walking by the gate side and now we were halfway through the carnival. It wasn't hot or sunny. It was more of a pale cold windy day. The perfect weather like in the books for some fantasized romance.

"It's nice right? The weather?" I pointed out as the silence creeped between us. I was trying my level best to make some conversation and I really wish he got it.

"Are you kidding me? It's like Twilight down here. I love it." He made an observation and chuckled. He was damn right. It was just like the weather down in Forks from the Twilight series of books and movies.

Well now I can't unsee it. It feels like it would rain any second now and there is no hope of sunlight like at all. The only thing missing is a vampire for a boyfriend.

Well it doesn't seem so different to be honest. I read Twilight when I was 15 and ever since I compared my reactions and feelings to that of Bella from the book.

I know it's absurd and weird and stupid and completely dumb but I kinda crossed all boundaries when I came out as gay so well comparing myself to Bella Swan after all isn't such a terrible idea.

I always did this. I still do this. Pick out the girl from the books or maybe the gay guy (if there's any) and compare my reactions and feelings to them. It's probably the reason I kept thinking someone like Edward from Twilight or Christian from Fifty Shades or fuck them, Peter from To All The Boys would end up liking me.

Bottom line: I am gay. It's all in the fantasies.

But now I have Jace. (I guess)

Isn't he like the Peter Kavinsky of our school? I don't care. He is kinda a big deal even though he just came to the school. He is a hot, cute and tall guy who is good at every sport. So he has to be a big deal apparently. 

Ugh! I hate my school.

And by that I just remembered—tomorrow's Halloween.

I remember Jace asked me if I wanted to go with him to this girl named Nina's Halloween party as some Game Of Thrones characters but i also remember I said no cus I usually never get invited to these parties and my anxiety issues wouldn't let me be in a public place without overthinking.

But he changed it. I wasn't anxious around Jace. I just never was. I am not insecure about anything around him, be it how I look or my OCD or anything of sorts. He has always seen me as who I really am. More like I have always shown him how I really was. I never had to pretend to impress him or anything. I can be bold around him and that makes me feel good—powerful and myself. I could tell him anything at all and he just wouldn't judge me until I want him to and that just makes me feel respected more than loved. Well loved too, but respected more.

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After a while of walking around and chatting and giggling I decided that we should ride the Ferris wheel. It was a spontaneous idea and even I didn't see this one coming but it sure turned out to be way way way better than I imagined it to be.

As soon as I sat in one of the two red seats which were attached to the base of the open cabin like structure, I realized this was all happening like in Love, Simon. I don't mind being Simon to my Bram. Okay that's one weird thought I shall store for later. 

It was like a little cubicle—the cabin that we sat in. Jace was sitting on the opposite side. I would've asked him to sit next me but as excited I was, I also had the fear that this cabin might fall and I'd end up dead. 

I usually have this anxiety on rides (less on rollercoasters). A small part of me is always scared that what if the seatbelt just breaks and I fall down to the ground, flat on my face, right from 20 feat above. Or what if the ride malfunctions and it stays stuck in an upside down position. Gravity exists. The thought of it makes my throat sore and my stomach grumble.

But I also intend to enjoy. I like taking these little risks from time to time and kinda challenging my anxiety issues. After all there will never be a right answer to the what if? questions. 

But I am fine on the Ferris wheel. I would obviously get scared when the cabin would jolt and swing just a little but I'd be fine. 

"I just wanna see the view." Jace spoke.

"I hope It's good." I replied. 

He knew I was thinking something. I could see he was trying to figure out—staring at me with thise cold gray eyes. I was thinking about a lot of things to be honest. Like him kissing me on the top of this ride. Or me and him tomorrow at the Halloween party. Hell yeah I wanted to fucking go to some random Nina's party with my brand new BOYFRIEND. Or us wrapped in a soft blanket, me lightly and slowly falling asleep in his arms.

The Ferris wheel started as we felt the cabin jolt and swing a little too harsh. It was scary but I was too busy thinking about the guy sitting in front of me and what all could go down between us in the near future.

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I literally wrote anything that came to my mind for this chapter...

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