Insanely Insatiable

046

RINA'S

***

Every leaps and turns made my body felt light like a feather. The soft yet intense piano accompaniment of Tchaikovsky made the whole studio to feel so serene and heavenly. I made sure to be as quiet as a mouse in every execution, not wanting to ruin the impressive composition of one of the most celebrated classical musician in the history. My hands gracefully followed each pointes of my toes on the sprungwood floor of the studio. I could feel the sweat forming on the side of my forehead as I execute each routines.

I was so lost of every slow and graceful movements I was making. My mind is focused on my role as Odile and made every figures as intense as Odile's emotions in this performance. I've never been this focused and engaged in what I did. Ballet did this to me.

I could see my classmates burning both ends of the candle as we all expressed the classic story of Swan Lake as polished as possible.

I heaved a deep sigh when we reached the most challenging yet astonishing part of Swan Lake— The Mystique of the Swan Queen. This is probably the most challenging yet most fascinating part of the repertoire. This part demands technical mastery and emotional range to morph Odette's vulnerable and pure  character into becoming the audacious and deceptive Odile, the black swan.

And I think being Odile in this dance recital of Swan Lake suits me. I was never Odette because my soul is tainted and masked with pain and anger. I will never be a white swan. Kaya no'ng sinabi ni Giselle na magiging ako si Odile, talagang kaagad kong tinanggap ang role kahit alam kong magiging mahirap ang mga routines at malaki ang hihingin nito sa akin.

For everything that I experienced in life... I am Odile. I am dark as the black night sky. Nasanay na nga ako na sobrang dilim ng paligid at palaging negatibo ang bawat emosyon. That's how Odile is living... The shadow of the bright Swan Queen, Odette.

The first time I watched Swan Lake in Aliw Theater, kaagad kong nakita ang sarili ko kay Odile. Parang reflection ko siya sa salamin. I relate to the wrath and pain she was trying to express unlike the other audiences who only saw her as the conflict... More so, the villain of the repertoire.

Odile for me is more than of a conflict... She's the villain for a reason. She's the bad side because she has the reason to be bad and angry to Odette. Lahat naman siguro ay nagiging masama nang may dahilan. Talagang kaunti nga lang ang handang ilahad ang kamay at buksan ang mga tainga para intindihin at pakinggan ang mga katulad ni Odile... Katulad ko.

When Jenie, the white swan, stood in front of me and raised her hand, my mind automatically travelled to those long gone memories of myself... When I was young, pure, and positive Rina.

Bigla akong nakaramdam ng galit at sakit sa lahat ng mga nangyari sa akin. Kusang gumalaw nang may bigat ang mga binti at braso ko. From being unheard and graceful earlier, negative emotions took over me, and I found myself waving and turning in more intense and faster way.