BAD BUT GOOD - BokuAka

43.

I laid my head on his chest and listened closely. No motion. No heartbeat. Suddenly the same ugly and loud crying started again. It was the most painful crying, feeling like hundreds of knives being stabbed into my chest.
"Hey owl." A voice spoke up shaking behind my back. It was Kuroo but I didn't look at him.
"O-owly." He tried to speak but got interrupted by a sob right away.
I clasped onto Akaashi's body and took his hand in mine. It was cold. Ice-cold. Kuroo grabbed underneath my arms and tried to pick me up the floor.
"The police is coming." He said quietly. After another strong tug he managed to open my arms, causing Akaashi to slip off my lap.
"No!" I screamed and tried to grab after him but Kuroo was pulling me back. Akaashi's head hit the floor and I gasped.
"No! You're hurting him!" I shouted and tried to shake myself off Kuroo's grip, but my legs and arms were weaker than ever. "Bokuto.."
"NO!" I cut his word. "It is cold he is going to get cold." A deep and loud sob made my chest hurt. "He... is going to get cold!" I shouted. Kuroo let my arms go and turned me with both hands around. "BOKUTO!" He shouted into my face. I flinched by his loud noise and widened my eyes.
"He can't get cold! He's not...he-" Kuroo's lower lip started trembling as he talked.
"He's dead... Bokuto." Tears started running down his face and he clasped my shirt. "He can't get cold!"
I shook my head furiously and pushed Kuroo away from me. He trembled back and fell to the ground. I ducked down to him and grabbed his shirt.
"HE IS NOT DEAD!" I shouted and jolted him with a tight grip. Kuroo's pupils were shaking.
"AKAASHI IS NOT DEAD!" Suddenly I collapsed on my knees and buried my face into his chest. The crying hindered me from speaking. He wasn't dead. He was just sleeping. Kuroo wrapped his arms around me and my body relaxed. The shivering feeling made me quake from head to toe.
"I'm sorry Bokuto." Kuroo whispered and hugged me tightly.

~2 days have passed~

I opened the door to the small cafe, making a small bell ring above my head. My eyes wandered through the whole shop to find her. There she was, black long hair. I walked up to her. As her eyes met mine she smiled. I gave no reaction.
"Good to see you Bokuto." She said and took the coffee mug in her hand. A waitress appeared next to me.
"What can I get for you sir?" She asked and lifted the small notebook and pen, to write something down.
I shook my head without looking at her. "Thank you." I said quietly. As I looked into her eyes my heart started to ache. She had the same eyes.
"You wanted to talk to me?" She asked and rested her elbows on the table. I couldn't tell, if she was sad about Akaashi. She seemed so normal.
I nodded but before I could say something she spoke up again.
"Keiji was my son, my only child." As I heard his name tears started collecting in my eyes. The way she used 'was' made everything worse.
"My own father tried to force me into Hai Yang. As I turned his offer down he killed my husband and took Keiji away from me." She stopped and took a deep breath.
"He was only 13 month old." My eyes softened and I felt instant regret and guilt building up in my chest. She spoke further.
"As Keiji was about 19 years old, my father found out about the secret association, that I have joined. I was trying everything to take Keiji away from him. But I was weak. I wasn't strong enough. Our organization was small." She moved the mug from her left hand to the right. Her eyes pinned on the table. It was getting harder for her to speak.
"I need a minute." She said and lowered her head. I nodded silently and looked down as well. After a solid minute she spoke again.
"My father instigated Keiji and the other soldier's to attack our organization." My eyebrows drew together. How disgusting can a human be? How heartless and ruthless?
"I was about to get killed by my own son, but I managed to escape. Since that day Bokuto..." She said and looked up to me. A weak smile was lifting the corner of her mouth.
"...I didn't stop following Keiji. He didn't need my help. But I wanted to make sure that he was okay." With her thumb she wiped a tear away.
"And I am so glad, that you took care of my son. That you gave him everything, that I couldn't." I closed my eyes.
"Thank you Bokuto."

~

I opened the door to our room and let myself down on the bed. Everything reminded me of him. The emptiness in my heart weighted a hundred tons. The pain still teared my chest open. I walked to his wardrobe and open it slowly. My hand reached to the black hoodie, that he was wearing often. As I pulled it out a folded piece of paper fell to the ground. I picked it up slowly and opened it. It was Akaashi's handwriting. Tears shot into my eyes immediately. I let myself down on the floor infront of his wardrobe and dug my nose into his clothing. His scent went up my nose and made me shiver. It felt like he was still with me. Just like he was sitting right behind me, hugging me. I felt his warmth. It was him. I knew that he was with me just right now. I inhaled his scent once again and looked at the letter.

['Bokuto-San,

I really don't know how to start this letter and I am not even sure why I am writing this. Actually, it's because I am such a wimp, struggling to express his feelings. So... It might seem weird but I somehow have to get it off my chest. You're sleeping right behind me, haha such a heavy sleeper.
You are actually the first person, that I shared a bed with. And after all these years it was the best thing that could happen to me. Cuddles are nice, that's what I've learned.
Actually.. there are a lot of things, that I experienced after meeting you. You taught me how this miserable and filthy world was so much more than it seemed. Maybe this world is still filthy, but you make it seem so much better. If there is still one thing keeping me alive Bokuto-San, it's you. It's kinda like you're my new world. The day you took me to the rooftop on my birthday. I still can't stop thinking about it. Every simple thing is just so much better with you. I truly believe in so much more to happen. Good things, of course. Even in the most hopeless situations, there is still one light that keeps my hopes up. One light, two bright yellow eyes.']
My sight blurred, I wasn't able to read any further. As the tears dropped on the paper the ink smudged. Little and silent sobs escaped my mouth.
['No one ever looked into my eyes, the way yours do Bokuto-San. I could sit here all day and write about you and what kind of a beautiful human being you are. But one day I promise, that I will tell you all of this by myself. I will probably get really embarrassed haha, but still it's worth it. Afterwards, I will be able to laugh at this letter. I am actually not even really planning on giving it to you though.
All I wanted to say was: Bokuto-San, you are truly the best thing, that this universe has gifted to me. Thank you so much for showing me that this world was still worth a try. Thank you for making me laugh and tell me, that it's okay to show how I feel. Thank you for listening to me and teaching me what love is. What cuddles, kisses and holding hands feel like. I will never stop loving you. You're my safe place Bokuto-San. I'm so glad to have you in my life.
I love you, Bokuto-San.

Akaashi']

The paper in between my fingers was shaking and the tears wouldn't stop flowing. My gaze wandered to the small tattoo on my wrist. A.
I miss him so much.