w.y-l.t.f.i-l.w.m | obx cast fan fic (au)

l.t.f.i - chapter two: an away away from home

tw: talk and mention of suicidal thoughts. please do not read if you feel as if this might trigger you. please talk to someone you trust if you feel like you need to do so. read at your own risk. YOU are responsible for your reading consumption.

venice.

california has a lot of beaches. and cliffs. and that's where i was. i was at the edge of a cliff near the apartment. no, i wasn't going to jump. that was the original plan but then i realized i was just there to calm myself down and collect my thoughts. up there, it felt like no one could reach me, no one could get to me or judge me or hurt me. i was alone in the silence. alone with the howl of the wind. alone with the sound of waves crashing. and it's the most peace i had felt in a while. they were probably worried about me. i would be too. and i realize it's a cruel thing to do. to let them read something like they did and then vanish without a trace. to a cliff of all places. but i needed to do something for myself for once. i thought about how they would feel too much. i had to start thinking about what i needed, or i would drive myself mad.

i sat on the edge of the cliff, my feet hanging over. my thoughts swirled around in my mind. what if i jump? would i make it? would i want to make it? what if everything that happened this past year never happened? what if i could make a machine that fixed everything in my life that needed to be fixed? but if you made that machine, you'd disappear as well. everything happens for a reason, venice. you needed to be here or else you wouldn't be. the voices in my head continued to have a riveting discussion about the purpose of my existence as the sun lowered and sent the sky into an array of purples, blues, reds, and oranges. it began to get chilly, and that was my cue to head back home.

on the drive, i got to see los angeles at night. it wasn't in all it's glory because of the pandemic, but it was still something special. something out of a movie. a movie that i don't fit in. the music i was listening to poured out of my car windows as drove back to the apartment. i let the wind ruffle my hair so i could feel like the main character, discovering her path in life in this one transformative drive. the people in the cars around me smiled at me, i guess i was the main character today. it was fun getting positive attention. not worried attention, not romantic attention, but just good ol' happy, positive, "just because" attention. i almost didn't want to go back home. but like one great scholar once said, "all good things must come to an end". maybe that's why my life hasn't come to an end yet. because it's not as great as it could be. as it should be. maybe i have this well of untapped potential waiting to be sipped from. maybe if i achieve my destiny of greatness, everything will fall rightfully into place like it's supposed to. maybe i am the main character. i just came to a realization in a main charcter like moment!

i grabbed some food for everyone on the way home. i was finally going to break out of my silence.

rudy.

i hear keys enter the door. i stopped pacing as she walked in, boxes of pizza in hand with her old glow and smile.

"hey guys, got some food." she said. she had finally spoken after days of silence. i had finally heard that sweet voice that belonged to the love of my life. but i was still angry she scared the daylights out of me.

"where the hell were you?" i asked.

"the edge of a cliff." she stated, nonchalantly.

"i'm sorry what?" drew asked who had come out of his room.

"he asked me where i was. i was at the edge of a cliff." she repeated like it was no big deal.

"i heard all of that. why the hell were you at the end of a cliff?" he asked.

"i had originally gone to jump. but then something told me to calm down and think with a clearer head." she stated. my heart dropped.

"were you r-really going to..." i cut myself off, not sure if i wanted the answer to my own question.

"it doesn't matter if i was or not, the fact is i didn't. so let's just move on, okay. let's move into a new chapter. i got pizza." she said. i examined her. how did she go from being so depressed she couldn't talk to being perky and interacting with people? venice has always and will forever be a wonder to me. i decide not to question her further and drew did too. we just watched as she grabbed plates and acted like she didn't scare us to death and didn't speak to us for days. like she didn't leave to commit suicide the hour before. of course, i was worried but not as worried as i was because the pep she used to have was back. the glow that had disappeared from her, illuminated her and the bright smile that grabbed my heart had once again appeared. when those things left her, it worried the hell out of me. at least she was okay, then.

she put on some music, "go to be real" by mary j. blige. she was dancing like it was a party and like she had no care in the world. it was times like then when i wish i could record memories in my brain and save them for later. venice was the only person who could make me sad, scared, worried, and happy all in one day. and i was fine with that. as long as she was alive and happy, she could make me feel whatever the hell she wanted to. but i still thought of all the darkness she wrote down in the back of my mind. she started a fire in the fireplace and went to her room. she returned with the journal and threw it into the fireplace. she kneeled down and watched as the book burned.

"don't you think you should've kept that?" i asked.

"i only kept it because i wasn't speaking and i was feeling all those things. but now that i don't feel those things anymore, there's no need to have them lingering around somewhere right?" she said. but they were still lingering around somewhere. they were lingering within me. i couldn't burn my brain and my memories. and that scared me. because she doesn't want to hold onto those feelings but those feelings live within me. so will she burn me too? will she grow to resent me because i hold the thoughts she doesn't want to think anymore?

"oh...okay. do you want a new one for these new thoughts?" i asked.

"maybe. maybe not. i'll figure it out when the time comes." i said.

"i'll be back." i said. i left the apartment and stepped out to the stairwell. i let everything that happened today replay threw my head. i thought, had this been anyone else, i would of ran and had not thought twice. but because it was her, because it was venice scarlett, i stayed. without question. without regret. without hesistation. and i will always stay.

a/n: hey guys. it is me, karter. how did you like this chapter? i think it's good. i started going back to poetically trying to describe the work instead of filling it with drama. how do you like it? please comment your thoughts. please vote, and follow and i'll see you next chapter lovies. bye :)