Cliche (Candy Stories #5)

Chapter 18 part 3

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"It's late. May problema ba?" tanong ni Calyx

Late nga. Kagabi ko pa dapat siya inistorbo para kausapin. I just hold out because my eyes were sore last night and I don't think I would be able to speak without breaking down.

"Pinuntahan mo pa rin naman ako," sabi ko at matipid na ngumiti. It's almost midnight but Calyx being Calyx would always come to me when I need him. He's protective of me like that.

Nakaupo kami sa bench sa likod-bahay. Dadalawa kami sa buong kabahayan. Sina Kuya at Daddy, madaling-araw pa raw uuwi.

Huminga ako nang malalim at naamoy ang mga bulaklak sa garden na alaga noon ni Mommy. Itinabi ko sa mga iyon ang blueberry bush na bigay ni Maxwell. I couldn't look at it without hurting myself. Wala naman 'yong thorns, but it still hurts.

"What is it, Aurora?" ani Calyx sa 'kin.

Tumingala ako sa langit. I've asked Cal for a lot of things before; he gave me a lot of things before without me asking; but I felt small somehow for what I'm going to ask him.

"Kasi . . . si Maxwell . . ."

Malalim at mahaba ang buntonghininga niya. Nakita ko sa peripheral ko na tumingala rin siya. We both know we were looking at nothing. We just had to pretend to be interested at the night sky so it would be less awkward to talk.

"Ano? Pinaiiyak ka na naman niya?" aniya.

Mabigat ang tipid na ngiti ko. I wouldn't be able to hold it for too long.

Yes, lately, I'm crying because of Maxwell. But I have a feeling that he's crying because of me too. I keep on convincing myself that he'd forget me easily, but I'm not really sure. I know I'm just selfishly protecting myself from other people who'd judge me because of him. I know I'm just afraid to be happy with him because I don't think I can handle the sadness after him.

I sometimes think I'm always sad since Mommy left. I don't know if I'm still grieving . . . or if I ever really grieved properly. All I know is that the sadness never goes away. At kapag ganitong may Maxwell sa buhay ko, kahit na sasandali ko pa lang uli siyang nakakasama, nadadagdagan ng masakit ang malungkot.

Maxwell is another sadness; another grief; another getting over.

"That's not the problem," malumanay na sabi ko.

The problem is that I want to keep Maxwell at bay. Because I'm falling hard and I'm sinking whenever he's near. I know sooner than later, he'd own all of me, even if all I am is sadness and self-hate.

I need Calyx to save me.

"Ano pala?"

"He said he loves me," ani ko. The words lumped in my throat and hurt my eyes. "That's what . . . what he said."

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him . . ."—I swallowed—"that we're together."

Calyx didn't say anything but I felt him surprised.

"I want to ask you sana . . . to pretend to be my boyfriend." I bit my lip. "Kung ikaw . . . Kung ikaw, walang magdududa because we've been together since forever. Ang alam din ng mga tao sa office, tayo talaga. It will help—"

"I don't want to, Aurora."

Napatingin ako sa kanya. He's already looking gently at me, his eyes reflecting the lights in the garden. He's sorry to me too.

"What . . . what do you mean? Please, help me, Calyx."

Masidhi ang titig niya sa mga mata ko. "Make me understand. He likes you. You like him since college. What do you need me for?"

Nakuyom ko ang kamao ko. "He's pursuing me lately. Titigil siya kung boyfriend kita."

"And that would make you happy?" he probed.

"That would make me safe."

"Safe from what?"

"From everything—from people, from hating myself, from hoping and breaking my heart."

"Aurora . . ."

"I don't want to hope because it would always backfire," una ko. It's hard for me to speak because I might cry . . . but . . . "What am I going to do with a little happiness if it's just going to break my heart in the long run? Anuman ang mangyari sa pagitan namin ni Maxwell, ako lang ang laging masisisi. It has always been like that. If I push him away like what I'm already doing, maarte ako. Choosy. Pakipot. Makapal ang mukha. If I accept him eagerly, oportunista. Sinuwerte. Kinaawaan. If one day I can't make him happy and he leaves, it would still be my fault because I'm not enough.

"Kahit may sabihin ang mga tao, kasalanan ko pa rin dahil ako ang kulang at ako ang mali. I don't want a love like that. I can't stay beside him like that—laging magwo-worry at matatakot sa iniisip ng iba. Sa sinasabi ng iba kapag hindi ako nakatingin. Sa iniisip at sinasabi niya kapag hindi niya ako kaharap.

"Whatever it is that he feels, it's just temporary. It won't be worth anything."

It will always be my fault.

Nagbuntonghininga uli si Cal. Nanginginig naman ang mga kamay ko sa pagpipigil sa emosyon.

"How did you know that it was temporary?" he asked. "It might be real. You might become really happy. All you have to do is risk."

"Of course it's temporary. He doesn't know me enough to like me for too long."

"That's not how it works, Aurora . . ." ani Cal.

"Maybe. But why would I believe otherwise? Please? Help me make him stop . . ."

Hinawakan niya ang kamay kong nanginginig. The warmth of his hands soothed the raging cold of fear and uncertainty in mine. "Do you want me to take that job too? Para kasama mo 'ko sa tuwing puwedeng lumapit si Tejeron? Para hindi siya makalapit?"

The lump in my throat threatened to break. My tears threatened to fall. "Yes. Yes."

Ipinatong niya ang kamay niya sa ulo ko at masuyong humaplos. "Okay. You can cry with me, Aurora. Don't hold it in. It's not good for you."

"Calyx . . ." I croaked. "Thank you . . ."

Yumakap ako sa kanya at umiyak. #542g / 03202021