Cliche (Candy Stories #5)

Chapter 21: Thorns and flowers

***

Monday came and I'm far from okay. I know that it's going to be a long process, but I kind of wanted to have something—an idea, an answer, a resolve—that I could use to start working with myself. More time would help, but time waits for no one. More time with Celine is a good thing too, because there are things I could learn from her. Without Calyx to share my thoughts is difficult. Not that I tell him everything. I realized in the past days na hindi rin ako madalas magsabi kay Calyx ng mga iniisip ko, lalo na kung tingin ko ay magwo-worry siya, magagalit para sa 'kin, o masasaktan. Kay Mommy lang talaga ako open, but with Mommy gone, all the bad thoughts are occupying my mind rent-free. Bad thoughts lang yata ang kahati ni Maxwell sa isip ko.

I prepared for work hesitantly. I applied less make-up than the usual to prepare myself for when I start with laser treatment. It's scary dahil nakikita 'yong scarring ng malalalim na naging acne ko at mas halata rin 'yong naiwang maliliit na bukol pa sa cheekbone at panga ko. At 'yong mga butas sa mukha ko . . . they're glaring.

Fear settled inside me and quickly took spaces—especially the room I meant for courage. Huminga ako nang malalim para iwaksi iyon. I know soon, it would have a voice. It will even show me bad things. I have to breathe and endure this. I felt that if I didn't do this right now, I'd be scared forever.

I don't want to be scared forever.

Pumatak ang luha ko kahit na ayoko naman talagang umiyak. Nag-ulit tuloy ako sa make-up. Pumikit ako nang mariin when I couldn't take in all the damage on my face that I'm seeing. Then I braved and looked again.

It's not my fault that I look like this, right? When people become uneasy while looking at me, it's only natural, right? We like seeing beautiful things. Kapag may nakita tayong out of the normal or unpretty, it's normal to flinch. They will wonder, of course, but that's out of my control. I should let them be.

I took a lot of deep breaths before going out of my room. Nagbe-breakfast sina Daddy at Kuya. I couldn't look directly at them.

"Napahaba yata ang tulog mo ngayon, bunso," sabi ni Daddy.

I kissed his cheek. "Good morning po. Ano . . ." I took time because of the wine last night and because I don't really want to go to work even though I know I should. "Just really tired with the work I took home."

Ngumiti si Daddy. He's not saying anything about breakfast. Sanay kasi silang hindi ako nag-aalmusal sa bahay tuwing may resto review.

"Good morning, Kuya," bati ko.

"Sino ba bagong stylist mo? Ire-recommend ko sa friend kong problemado sa buhok," sabi ni Kuya Rius.

Sino na naman kayang friend? Baka friend ni Ate Chelle na mahilig mag-bangs 'pag bored o 'yong mahilig magpakulay ng buhok.

"I'll introduce you 'pag sinamahan mo ako sa salon," sabi ko na lang.

Nag-thumbs up lang si Kuya.

"Alis na po ako, Dad."

Napasulyap si Dad sa pinto. "Ngayon na? Parang wala pa naman si Calyx."

They're used to Calyx driving me to work kapag hindi ako nagpapahatid sa kanya o kay Kuya.

"Ano . . ." I swallowed. "Ano po kasi, magta-taxi lang po ako. Today."

They gaped.

"Don't worry. I think I won't get lost po. Sa office naman muna ako today before going to the resto I'm assigned to review. But, uh, in case I get lost . . . tawagan ko po kayo ni Kuya." I bit my lip. "Sorry na po agad."

Nagkatinginan sila.

"Are you okay, Princess?" tanong ni Daddy. His forehead creased with worry. "Nag-away ba kayo ni Calyx?"