Cliche (Candy Stories #5)

Chapter 20 part 3

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I was extra ugly that whole day and the following day. 'Buti na lang, weekend. Ang insane na natawa pa ako nang makita ko ang sarili ko sa salamin, kasi gosh, may ia-ugly pa pala ako. I stayed at the house and cooked for Daddy and Kuya. May househelp during the day ever since Manang Thelma retired. Puwede namang ako ang maglinis pero delikado sa skin ko.

I tried watching movies or television shows but I couldn't focus. My mind kept on replaying what happened between Maxwell and me, then between me and Calyx. There's a lot I wanted to ask Cal, but I shouldn't. I don't think binalak niyang mag-confess. It's like he said what he said about his feelings because he got tired seeing me cry and he wanted me to understand something about myself.

But I wonder . . . sa lahat ng panahon na alam niyang gusto ko si Maxwell, gusto na rin ba niya ako no'n? Kasi kung oo, ibig sabihin, lagi ko siyang nasasaktan. Ga'no niya ako kamahal para mag-stay sa tabi ko kahit na nahihirapan at nasasaktan siya? And Maxwell . . . ga'no niya ako kamahal para paulit-ulit na mag-confess?

Am I . . . really worth it? Kasi if oo, bakit hindi ko ramdam? What should I do to like myself?

I ended up in my room, watching youtube videos about affirmations and self-love. I read reviews about self-help books. 'Tapos pagdating ng hapon, tumitig ako sa sarili ko sa salamin.

I was extra ugly today. May maliliit pa akong bukol sa panga at sa cheekbones. Another surgery would remove that. Ang dami ko ring acne scars. Sabi ni Dr. Len, it will lessen once we started another type of laser treatment. Kaso lang, kailangan kong magbawas ng cosmetics. I've been avoiding that treatment because I don't know if it's okay for me to not wear make-up. Baka maging uneasy ang makakikita sa 'kin.

When I couldn't look at myself anymore, I stared at Maxwell's dog tag in my dresser. He tried to find that for me kahit na itinapon ko.

Will he always forgive me like that?

Nang parang maiiyak na naman uli ako, tumunog ang cell phone ko. Nagulat pa 'ko. Ang akala ko, si Calyx. Si Celine pala.

Celine de Blas:
Hey. I know it's a weekend
but I'm bored. Can we hang out?

I blinked at the words. Niyayaya niya ba akong . . . makipag-bonding?

Aurora Arranza:
Si Aurora to. Are you asking me?
Are you sure?

Celine de Blas:
Haha. Yes, Aurora. I checked your number
before sending a message.

Wait. Naiiyak ako.

Celine de Blas:
Are you free? O may lakad kayo ni Calyx?

There would be no Calyx for a while. Hindi raw ako kakausapin.

Aurora Arranza:
I'm free. Nasa bahay lang ako.

Celine de Blas:
Oh. You want to go out?

Celine de Blas:
But if you don't feel like it,
uh, I don't know what else is okay.
Ikaw na lang magsabi what's allowed?

Nangiti ako. Celine's really trying to talk to me straightforwardly para hindi ako malito at mag-overthink sa kung anuman ang talagang sinasabi niya.

Aurora Arranza:
Ano . . . I'm not pressuring you or anything.
Pag hindi mo like, just decline.
Promise, I won't take it personally.

Celine de Blas:
Alin po?

Hu-hu. Nauna apologies ko kaysa 'yong sasabihin ko talaga.