Cliche (Candy Stories #5)

Chapter 15: To stay invisible

***
How do you bury someone you love and still keep your heart with you? Walang nakaaalam ng sagot. Hindi si Dad, Kuya, o Manang Thelma. Hindi ako. Hindi ang katahimikan na hindi namin alam punan. 

That day, we were forced to accept that Mommy was gone. I know she’d be free from the disease. I know she’d be saved from all the pain. Pero kahit paulit-ulit kong sabihin ang mga ‘yon sa sarili ko, hindi nababawasan ang sakit. How do we stop hurting?

We also learned that Mommy made arrangements for her funeral. She wrote the things she prepared and entrusted the notebook to Manang Thelma. We read it. Gusto niyang paglamayan siya sa isang funeral homes sa loob din ng subdivision. Ayaw niya ng matagal na burol. May papers para sa kabaong at spot na paglilibingan sa kanya. May contact number para sa pari, simbahan, at huling misa. Dad was patient reading everything, na akala ko, ang mga iyon ang mangyayari. But when her remains was ready, iisa lang ang nasabi niya kay Mommy: “Uuwi na tayo, love.”

So we came home. It was surreal to see Mommy there but inside a coffin. Ilang ulit ko siyang tinitigan sa pagkakapikit niya. She was beautiful without the suffering but she was also sad. How I was able to see it was beyond me—but I was sure.

Nagpunta ang ilang kamag-anak namin para tumulong sa lamay. Unang gabi pa lang, dagsa na ang mga bisita. They expressed their condolences and told stories about Mommy. I know they mean well in consoling us but I also know that they wouldn’t understand the extent of this pain unless they loved and were loved at the exact same degree. The only pain we know and we could try to fathom is our own. It’s useless and cruel to realize this, I ran out of tears. In my head, I kept on begging and asking for Mommy to come back. Outside, I’m but an empty shell on auto-pilot. 

Sina Maxwell at ang iba pang taga-compound, nakiramay noong second night. They brought food. Bukod sa pagtanggap ko sa condolences nila, wala na akong iba pang nasabi. I stayed seated beside Mommy, looking at her while wondering about a lot of things. I wonder if she could see us. If she could, if she’s worried. I wonder if she’d been happy in her short life and if I had anything to do with that happiness. If she knew that we loved her so much. If I had disappointed her. I wonder if there were things she would have wanted the chance to say or do.  

The more I looked at her, the more it was sinking in that Mommy was gone and the more that I hated what happened.

It might have been better if only I stayed invisible.

***

On the third day of the wake, I went to school to take a practical exam. Two weeks na ang naibigay na palugit at kahit na gusto ng mga professors na i-excuse pa rin ako, si Dad na ang nagdesisyon. We were sure Mommy wouldn’t like me to keep on missing school even though I hardly have the energy to wake up and get up in the morning.

I was so not in the mood that I didn’t bother fixing my hair or covering my face with it. Pinagtinginan ako ng mga tao sa gate pa lang. Pagdating sa building namin, sinalubong ako ni Cal. Tinulungan niya akong mamili ng ingredients sa market at mag-prepare para sa full course na iluluto ko. 

“Allowed ka bang tulungan ako?” I asked him flatly. 

We were already preparing for the dessert. 

He turned the mixer off and looked at me with knitted brows. “Oo. Nagsabi ako kay Prof. Bakit?”

Itinikom ko ang labi ko kaysa sumagot. Hindi ko ikinuwento kay Cal ang nangyari nang araw na isugod sa ospital si Mommy. He didn’t know that our classmates don’t like it when he or Maxwell help me. If he knew, he’d get angry on my stead. Okay naman ‘yon pero useless. My classmates are already malicious. Kung iko-confront niya pa sila, lalo lang akong kaiinisan.