Cliche (Candy Stories #5)

Chapter 23 : Cliche

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I got home tired from crying buckets of tears. I went straight to my room and just sent a message to Dad and Kuya that I was home safely and that I wanted to sleep right away. They just bade me good night. When I finally slept, I dreamt of Maxwell.

The following day, I woke up early and cooked pasta since it's a weekend. Pagkatapos, niyaya ko sina Dad at Kuya na magpunta sa puntod ni Mommy. I didn't have to ask them twice. It is a silent rule in the house that whenever someone wants to go to Mommy, we should all go.

Malapit lang ang cemetery kaya hindi pa gano'n kainit ang araw nang makarating kami sa maliit na mawsoleo niya. Nakikiramdam sina Dad at Kuya sa 'kin. Nagkuwento sila ng kung ano-ano kay Mommy. I tried to say something too, in their presence, but I just couldn't find my voice.

"Maiwan ka muna rito?" sabi ni Dad na tumayo.

I couldn't say yes.

"May bibilhin lang kami ni Dad sa malapit," sunod ni Kuya na tumayo na rin sa bench na nasa loob ng mawsoleo.

Nanghihina akong tumango. "Take your time."

Worry creased dad's face but he forced a smile. "Sabihin mo lahat ng gusto mong sabihin sa mommy mo."

I bit my lip. "Opo."

They silently walked out.

When I was left alone with Mommy, I let the silence poke on my pain until I could say something.

"Mommy . . . I miss you." My voice cracked as I looked at her name in the granite. "Last night . . . I saw Maxwell's videos for me. He made videos for me, Mommy. And . . ." The words blocked my throat, I had to swallow a few times to speak. "And he loves me. Imagine that. He loves someone like me." I swallowed again.

"I wanted to see you right away . . . because I want to borrow your strength and your courage. Because if I just depended on myself, I don't know if I could do whatever I think is right—or whatever I think would make me happy. It has been too long since I was really happy . . . I think I have forgotten how to feel it properly. I know that I'm allowed to be happy . . . but maybe I got used to being sad, sad and self-pity became ordinary.

"Saka sabi mo . . . sabihin ko sa 'yo kapag nagsabi si Maxwell ng feelings niya. He had been confessing, but I refused to believe it. I was wrong, My. I know you'll be disappointed, because you have always wanted me to love myself and to believe in myself, but for a long time, I failed to do so. But I also know that if there's one person in the world who would love me even while disappointed at me, it would be you.

"After last night, Mommy, I think Maxwell is like you too—someone who loves me even when I'm failing, or disappointing, or ugly, or unloveable, or just stubbornly stupid. And it's so great, and I'm happy, but it hurts so much too, because I'm so afraid. I'm so happy it hurts. I'm so in love, I'm scared. So I'm here . . . because you're the only other person I know who could make me brave. I'm here . . . because I want to get your blessing. I have always pushed Maxwell away. Is it okay to initiate to be closer? Okay lang ba kung this time, mauna naman ako sa kanya? Okay lang po, 'di ba?"

Tumulo ang mga luha ko at hindi ako nag-attempt na pahirin ang mga iyon. Pakiramdam ko, nahuhugasan ako ng bawat luhang pumapatak. Pakiramdam ko, pinalalakas ako niyon.

"I want to be . . . closer to him. I have always wanted it. But I refused to acknowledge that feeling, because I don't want to be disappointed. Alam ko, sa dami ng ibang mas bagay sa kanya, mas madali ang hindi ako piliin. But he always chooses me. Sa sobrang panliliit ko, sinaktan ko siya nang ilang ulit. Yet he still want to love me. I didn't do anything to deserve him, yet he loves me. If I can't believe that love, then wala nang love na puwede ko pang paniwalaan. So when I try to take his hand that is always trying to reach me, please help me with the doubts. Please remind me to be strong. And I'll remember that it's not just me who's going to be happy for myself, but you, too. Please watch over me, Mommy."