I cried about you for the first time in a very long time.
I used to cry about you a lot, god knows you've given me plenty of reasons.
I mean I used to really wish you were good and other times I just kinda wish you were dead
Do I wish you were dead? Would it even make a difference? Would I feel bad?
I used to have a lot of fantasies (were they fantasies?) about what I'd say at your funeral. I imagine telling everyone the things you've done and that I'm not sorry.
I would wonder if I would cry.
I remember pops funeral and you showing up in a really short dress and no underwear and I was so mad
I felt so bad when you left though that I scolded myself ever since
I don't know why I stick up for you
I used to get so mad when people would say bad things about you
I think you did the worst to me.
I remember family members talking bad about you but they never helped me
Maybe I shouldn't blame them, I mean it was you at fault
But what's that dumb quote about the Holocaust, something like "when good man stand by is when evil occurs. I don't know
I remember the day you got arrested. I was so freaked out by the police and then cried on the way to school because I was so worried.
No one ever comforted me about that
I don't think anyone's ever comforted me about anything you did, especially not you
Every time I try to subtly hint towards you messing me up or something you ignore it or you laugh
I remember when I told you I had PTSD
You looked at me and said "what from?"
I just stared for a second and said "living on 5th street" because even in that most vulnerable infuriating moment, I didn't want to hurt your feelings
You just said "ah ok" and continued to smoke
I try not to be upset about this I usually don't care
I don't care that whenever you come over you ignore me, I have nothing to say to you anyway
I wish you'd leave us alone.
I can't believe you
But that's not true because I have no other perception of you
I don't think I have any truly good memories with you
I don't know if I'd want it to be any different
It probably would make me feel worse
I feel dumb crying about this
I really like when people I talk to are really mean to you or say mean things about you
It's hard for me too
I WISH I COULD HATE YOU
I could've been normal I could've been happy i could've had stable relationships I could remember my childhood everything could've been good
You're selfish
I'm selfish
It's not even about me
