It is currently 11:47 pm and the night before I start my first year of college. It feels weird and I don't really know how to feel. Its exciting and scary and dreadful and fulfilling. Does that make any sense?
I've been procrastinating sleeping by reading every wattpad we've ever posted and every letter we've ever written each other while listening to the songs mentioned in these wattpads and playlists we've made for each other. I don't know why I'm just suddenly missing you so much. I've been thinking about you a lot. Maybe this whole college thing just reminds me of you.
The hater in me has been trying to come out but I'm trying really hard to suppress it. I've been going to the silly social events and trying to talk to people but all to no avail. The first night we had a silly little traditional induction thing which I kind of just stood around people watching. I've been doing that a lot since I got to college. It's just so much easier to stand around drinking a grape soda and watching people walk around and try to read their lips and figure out what they're talking about. The first night during that thing every single queer female approached me. I think it's the dyed hair septum piercing big eyeliner combo that always attracts them. It's all in good intentions, believe me I know that, but in part it feels fake and superficial. Lets write out an actual interaction I had.
Me: *standing and people watching while I have light up Kanye west glasses on my head and a small pom pom in my hand*
Random Girl: Omg hey
Me: hi
RG: my name is (I forget lol) what's yours?
Me: gamerepic
RG: You're really cute
*A friend of the girl who I didn't really notice was there leans into the girls ear and whispers something while looking at me*
RG: HOT! You're HOT!
Me: thank you!
RG: why don't you come join us?
Me: uh sure haha ok
* I follow the girls to a large group of people huddled together circling around a big pile of glow sticks. They're jumping around. I do not join in. I turn around and look at the other people in the gym*
Random Girl 2: Omg hi my name is (insert name) what's yours
Me: Gamerepic
RG2: Do you want to come join our group?
Me: uh sure haha ok
This repeated all night.
One thing I've noticed is that people just always assume you're looking for a group of people. That night I didn't want to stand around in huddled groups dancing to Drake songs from 2016 while the people behind us smack our backs with glow stick swords. I wanted to lean against the wall and just watch everyone record these interactions on their snapchats. I wanted to float around. I liked the feeling of not knowing anyone. It felt like friend groups were so quickly established. Like I had missed the memo on something. The whole time I've been telling myself "there have GOT to be emo baddies here" The true problem is though, I'm the emo baddie. There always has to be at least one and unfortunately for me, I had to bestow that honor.
I keep thinking about you and how any of these khaki shorts Zelda Ts esque men could be fartmagic1s in disguise. I try to look at their t shirts. That usually tells me a lot. I just try to imagine you as these guys. I don't think it works though because as you've said before, these little things I do would attract you. And it has not worked yet. I hope this doesn't seem weird. I've just missed you a lot. I have been thinking about how if we went to the same college we would live mere rooms away. This is so silly and cringe but sometimes I imagine this alternate universe where this is how we meet. Passing in the hallways all the time in our band t shirts. Coming up to each other when we're reading recognizable books. Seeing how obnoxious you are in public. It's stupid but interesting to me at least. I have often thinking about alternate ways we could've met and how different our relationship would've been due to circumstances. I am not on your dick.
I need to go to bed but I just can't. I'm nervous and want to talk to you even though you aren't answering your texts. Classes will be fine. It'll all work out when I go to the financial aid office and ask them to help me buy my books. It'll be fine, but I still have that first day of school nervousness. It's normal but still not nice. I can't wait to get into a schedule.
We talked about this early but I absolutely love thinking about the NGS. I like periodically changing where we are, but to be honest with you, it's ALWAYS Philly. Which I think is pretty unrealistic. I mean I know you're rich and all but it's still going to be impossible for us to find a nice place to live in Philly. Unless you wanna live somewhere dodgy, because I do not. What I really want for my future living, regardless of who I'm with, is a nice lake house that's right outside the city. I love lake houses. The city scares me, I could only live there for a few years while I'm young. I'm built to live on the outskirts. But honestly, I'd live anywhere with you, even Pittsburg. I mean that.
I feel like I'm sucking my own dick whenever I talk about how I feel out of place here. Sure I'm the stereotypically looking dyed hair piercing makeup girl who you can find a million copies of on the internet and any city. Sometimes when I'm on the internet I feel like I'm like every other bitch with a last fm. Here I feel completely different. My dad said I should "relish in my inability to conform" which I know he means with high compliments but it's hard. I've never doubted myself before. I've gone through public school my whole life sticking out uncomfortably. Haven't you seen the homecoming pictures? But for some reason it's different now. I feel weird. I kind of like that I'm different though. I guess it kind of defines me, and everyone wants that right?
I just thought the title was funny haha.
