Gabe TW for future gamerepic
As I write this I am just vaguely high listening to Big Thief so expect things that sound profound but really aren't.
I was thinking a lot about "my era" as Jesseny and I so lovingly call it since we called about it. It's bittersweet to think about. It's almost painful to know things will never feel like that again. My relationships will never even resemble how they were at the time. It's still jarring to see how ours has evolved. When was the last time you even said you loved me? It makes me so sad that this is how it came out. I don't think we're done or anything but sometimes it feels like it just can never go back to the way it was. I feel so dramatic talking about it. It feels like when I talk about Gabe. Not to compare you to him. It feels dramatic. It feels like I'm constantly thinking and dreaming about it. I'm going to tell you something embarrassing because I'm a little too high to hold myself back and I know I'm going to regret telling you this but there was a week or two where I'd listen to Death Cup by Mom Jeans and it felt exactly how I felt about you at the time. That's embarrassing. I've been thinking that's why I've been thinking so much about him, because I'm feeling now how I did then. If I heard Death Cup when I was getting over him I might've died. I don't want you to feel bad about this. I understand. I voiced this to Jesseny and she described it as "first relationship honey moon" and I get that but it just constantly feels like men are abandoning me for their relationship. I completely felt like a manic pixie dream girl. You always said I'd never be that to you and it felt like all along I knew I was right. You confronted me that night when I suddenly thought this and I shrugged you off. I just didn't want you to think I cared. I just don't want you to confirm my thinking. And it's just oh so dramatic for me to feel this way too. It's not like you're cheating on me. You don't owe me anything. I'm on the internet I don't matter. I know that's not true. I feel so high right now. I just have this constant fear that I'm so easily disposable in people's lives that I can easily be replaced. There will always be a quirkier girl. There will always be a prettier girl. There will always be a girl that deserves more love. This is so dramatic. Just like the old Wattpads right. I don't want you to feel bad about this because I understand. I don't want to make calling a chore. I don't want you to feel like you have to put time aside for me because I want you to just want to talk to me. And while I'm saying things I'm going to deeply regret in the morning, it makes me feel kind of weird when you say "I know we don't talk but I tell my friends about you all the time." Because it just makes me think about how you'd tell me about all the girls you talk to when we started being friends and it was always "I don't talk to them anymore" and I was always afraid that would be me and it just reminds me of that when you say it. I remember loving the wattpad because it lets me say things I would never say in text or to your face. I'm sorry this is so stupid. I'm sorry I've been avoiding talking to you about this but its so deeply embarrassing. I'm sorry.
And it's even more embarrassing how much I've been thinking of Gabe. He's in all my dreams. I can't escape the haze he has on my brain. I don't think about him for a while and suddenly he's in every dream I have. I'm over it. I'm not going to block him because I secretly like that he's sees all my stories and tik toks and what not. He's being forced to think about me. It's bittersweet though because I know he doesn't feel guilty. If he felt guilty he'd unfollow me. It's embarrassing. Sometimes I forget he was just a man. I forget that he didn't actually care about me or cherish our friendship because he didn't say hi to me in school. But then I remember how much I cared and cringe so hard. I crocheted him a little fish because he told me he loves fishing with his friends. It's not like he didn't care at the time. He'd buy me silly little drinks and take me to special places to him and tell him deep family problems he had. I hate reminiscing. And yes, its reminiscing. My life feels so fast. I'm only 19. It feels like a million things at once. I'm not doing super hot in school. It's getting hard to do easy things. I'm ruining your good day with Joey and your mom because I'm so dramatic and now you have to worry about consoling me on things that are nonissues. Idk.
I'm high and a little dazed and full from all the pudding I ate and my lips are sticky from brushing my teeth. I don't actually like being high all the much. It's better than drinking though. I could do neither but that's no fun. I'm sorry that I wrote this high. I didn't expect this to come back so easily to me. 1000 words later and it still feels like I have more to say. I hope they keep coming this easy. Sorry I was gaslighting you into believing nothing was wrong despite me making pissy comments all the time. I shouldn't do that I should just tell you. I wonder if I can submit this for an English essay. haha just kidding.
(This is how I felt to a t)
I think it's 'bout time
That I warned you I might cry in front of you
And I don't want you to feel
Like I'm afraid of the truth
I didn't want you to feel
Like it was all your fault
But that doesn't mean
That I wanted you to feel nothing at all
What do you want me to say
When I can't tell you the truth?
Please, tell me how the fuck
I'm supposed to deal with losing you
So what's the point of talking
If you're not changing your mind?
It just reminds me of the lying
And it's wasting my time
So was it worth it to me
To wait around and then see
If all my love was well spent
My night-time hikes and weekends
You are my best friend
And I don't want this to end
What do you want me to say
When I can't tell you the truth?
Please tell me how the fuck
I'm supposed to deal with losing you
What do you want me to say
When I can't tell you the truth?
Please tell me how the fuck
I'm supposed to deal with losing you
It wasn't worth it to me
To wait around and then see
All of my love go unspent
My night-time hikes and weekends
You were my best friend
I didn't want it to end
