There's some sick part of me that loves being sad. The intensity of the emotions. The sleeping all day, the comfortability of all the days blending together, it's simply divine. I am better now, I really am, but there's nothing like sinking back into my sadness and anxieties. My bed feels like home. Sleeping all day feels so good, even when it doesn't. It's like rewatching a movie you've already seen, I already know the ending. I know I shouldn't revert back to these habits, but feeling good is so weird. I'm going to the gym, I'm doing these school contests, I'm doing college stuff, I'm working, and somehow I'm maintaining friendships. Although I feel like there's this weird air between me and my friends now. I'm not really talking to them and all of our plans feel empty. I see them at lunch but even then there's not much to talk about. Maybe they feel this way too. Maybe it's something I did. I don't know. My brain wants me to worry about it, but I seem to worry about everything these days. The anxiety is overbearing. I was getting sick every morning purely out of anxiety. I wasn't sleeping and I couldn't have a second to think because my mind would always wander to the worst parts. I'm glad that's kind of over. But it's not over until it's over. I'll get through this. Or I won't. I just have no way of knowing.
I do miss you. I feel like we've kind of been on each other's dick recently. I wish we weren't so busy. I could really use a good call soon. Hopefully next weekend, I'll have a lot to talk about. Speaking of next week....
I have my speech contest Wednesday and it's not that I'm not confident about it, but I certainly am not so sure. My speech is just ok. I don't know if it's really winning material. Plus the kids I am going against are like the most public speaking kids in our school. The school board representative and the president of like every club ever. Those are the kids I'm going against. And what do I do? Nothing that's what. I really am not upset about this. It's just disappointing to know that I'm going against kids I constantly loose against. Plus they are adored by the school. I ran for homecoming and lost because no one knew who I was. That stuff doesn't matter. I swear I'm not upset by it or anything. Speaking of homecoming well come back to that later. Anyway I don't have high hopes. I think it'll be just ok.
That Friday I'm going to see Car Seat Headrest with Alex. I have absolutely no idea what we're going to talk about. I figure it's gonna be camp, Evangelion, music, and probably more camp. We weren't friends at camp. He's a boy and a year younger than me so we never crossed paths. He was somewhat of a camp "legend" if you could say that. He was a Gibby. I don't mean that in any kind of way. He was funny and well known. Everyone adored him or found him unbelievably annoying. I was pretty indifferent. My last year of camp me and him played what are the odds all the time. I tried to play it with other people but only he would. They weren't anything crazy. It was mostly just "hey go over to this person and say this" or "haha I dare you to eat this or touch that or yell this" After camp we somehow started talking. I have absolutely no idea how. I like him a lot, he got so cool. His like best friend from camp is in that group chat with us. He's pretty tame now but I despised him at camp. He was my enemy. He's a gooner in the worst sense. He regularly talks about his "homework folder" and flaunts the sheer amount of pornography he consumes. I will not lie, he is part of the reason I'm so anti porn. Back to Alex. I really think we'll have fun. I can't see us not, even if it's awkward. I'm not even the biggest csh fan. I just think it'll be a fun experience.
this is half finished but I just wanna get it out there. Don't forget to give me your address
