I just don't know what's wrong with me. It feels like I've lost all control. I keep fucking skipping class and I just can't figure out why. Am I being lazy? Do I have no motivation? I want to go but I just so deeply can not. That's so stupid. I'm playing so much money to just sit around and be sad. I'm never going to accomplish anything ever. I keep describing my morning as terrible but it feels oddly calming. I hate school. I did this same shit in high school but then at least I had the fear of my dad to drive me to go but now what do I have? The shame of my friends? They'd be hypocrites! The fear of failing? I already feel like I'm failing, there's nothing to fear. I'm embarrassed more than anything. It's so embarrassing. I am almost 20 years old and I'm whining about not going to class. That's embarrassing! It feels like I'm going to be like this forever. It feels like I have no ability to change. It actually makes me wanna gouge my eyes out. What do I even do about this. I can't tell my dad. What would he even say? He would call me a pussy and remind me that I'm paying a lot of money. Can't he understand that I already feel like that on my own? I am not a shameful person. At least I'd like to think I'm not. I have such a deep and intense shame about this. No one understands yet everyone understands. I'm going to tell my therapist about it and she's going to ask why I'm not going and I'm going to say I don' t know and then she's going to say "well theres definitely a reason" and I don't even want to know the reason.
I'm constantly walking around with dread in my stomach. I am constantly fearful. I'm contradicting myself. It's only my second semester, they won't be mad right?
My therapist just emailed me saying that we have to have a video call session today. What a horrible day to do it. I just don't even know what to do at this point. I feel like a lost cause. Am I going to be like this forever? Did I already say that? This is so embarrassing I can't handle it. I don't want to see anyone. I just want to cry in my room. I feel like I'm never alone. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I just need to feel better. I'm taking my medicine but it makes me feel worse if anything. They say it gets bad before it gets good but I feel like I won't even make it to the good. I want to uproot my life. I wish I could just start over. I don't want to see anyone. I want to go home. I can't though. I just have to suck it up. I have to leave for class soon. I'll go to that one and play on my computer until its over. What's the point in even going. I feel like I'm too late to actually do anything. I've already missed so much. I need to stop making jokes about wanting to kill myself because it's not helpful. It puts me into a cycle of feeling worse. I have to leave in 5 minutes but what's the point? I wish no one was in my room right now. I wish I could just lay in my bed. Whenever I do I just feel so guilty. I don't want to go back to my room. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be anywhere. I can't even be witty in my sadness. I can't write good watt pads about it because it's all just self loathing babble. I feel so stupid. Why am I even complaining. I wish midterms would just come out already so I can see the damage I've done. I'll probably cry. I'll definitely cry. Why can't I just be good at things. I feel like there's nothing for me. Sometimes I think about if I killed myself what would everyone think of the watt pads I wrote. I would hope you'd do something with them. Everyone would definitely think I was whiny. And an asshole too.
While writing this Hannah came into the lounge where I was awkwardly sitting and typing away at my computer. She was like "what is the problem" and people keep asking what the problem is I JUST DONT KNOW!!! I keep crying which is annoying. I'm being such a pussy about this. I feel patronized even though no one is patronizing me. "Go to class" I TRY! I wish I could drop out. But then I just wouldn't know what to do with myself. This is just so embarrassing. I don't want to think about it anymore
