When I said I wanted to stop thinking about you I meant it. You gave me very valid reasons to do so. I'll be the first to admit I got a little too intense, but still man. I thought I finally had done away with you entirely, but here you are again. I'm over reacting I know, but come on! What do you want from me? Do you just feel bad? If you don't wanna talk to me, don't talk to me. And the worst part is I really care way more than you do. You don't care at all. It makes me look stupid and obsessed when I'm writing wattpads about it and telling my friends. But Jesus I get way too attached and you basically set me up to get attached. Everything seemed great but I guess not. I want you to just say what you need to say and that's that. Why can't everyone just be upfront. It makes me look so stupid. God. And I don't like to think of myself as an angry person. It takes a lot for me to really get going. But that morning when you randomly decided to talk to me again I was angry. I was pretty aloof that morning. But for some reason I got so angry. I put on First Two Seven Inches and seethed all day. I had no reason to be angry, but I was. You, the reader, are probably thinking "wow you're this upset over literally nothing? someone that offered you an ounce of their time than got busy? you're a bitch!" And maybe you're right.
I don't know why I stopped Wattpading. It's cathartic. I feel like I don't really have anything that can't be said in vague tweets. Maybe I just need to get going.
I really don't feel pretty. I tell myself I am and take pictures like I am, but they're kind of a facade. I'm just trying to convince myself. I often tell myself it's punk rock that I'm ugly and fat. Like my existence is a "fuck you" to beauty standards or something. That's cheesy, but sometimes it works. If I could just magically become pretty one day though, I'd definitely would. I think about the conversations we have sometimes about how your personality wouldn't fit if you were a girl, I think my personality wouldn't fit if I was pretty. I might be leaning too hard into "you can't participate in systems you critique" here but I'd be different if I was pretty and the boys liked me. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.
I've been missing you a lot recently. I think those couple of nights we called really made me miss you. Kinda sucks we'll be busy for a bit. I think about you a lot.
I'm writing this on my computer, kinda different than my phone. I can't tell why.
I haven't been listening to a lot of music recently. I'm trying to get back into it. Slowly but surely.
I've been body sad a lot recently. Just laying around all day. It's annoying. I just have nothing to do but lie around and watch the L word all day. I like that show though. Something about early 2000's lesbians, man. It makes me think about my own queerness. I know I made that joke in the dos about a face paced homoerotic friendship but sometimes I really do wish I had something like that. But in reality look at how I'm handling a face pace relationship ended awkwardly. Not very well! I think I try validating my own queerness by just consuming as much queer media as possible. Reading radical feminist lesbian literature, watching the L word, listening to queer core riot grrl bands. It's like I have to make up for the fact I'm with a man and that I like men. If it was anyone else I'd tell them they're valid in their queerness and it doesn't matter. I haven't even mentioned bisexuality in this. Who knows.
I love you a lot. I hope you know that. I really really love you.
I' ve been thinking about getting into writing again. Like little stories. I write them out in my head constantly, so maybe it'd be good to put them on paper. I think of these little cute scenarios all the time. They just aren't well thought out. I'm going to try.
Sorry this isn't too long. Maybe I'll put out a better one soon. Once I find something interesting to talk about.
