My name never suits me until it comes out of the mouth of someone I love. Hanging on to every syllable as it slips out their mouth. I finally feel seen.
Walking in the woods has felt so good lately. Though my anxieties creep up about noises or how we're a bit too alone. The air felt so good to breathe in, it was earthy and cool despite the humidity. The ground was rocky and mostly uphill, although I didn't wear the right shoes for hiking it still was nice to walk on the terrain. I was sweaty so I kept pushing my bangs out of my face. My sister asked if I was wearing make up because it looked like I was glowing. It's gross how sweaty I felt but when the air got cool it felt amazing. We walked 3 miles today and 2 yesterday. I wanted to pull out my headphones and listen to music but I preferred to be aware of my surroundings. I wanted to hear every bird chirp and stick break. It was peaceful when none of my family was talking and all I could hear was my heavy low breathing and my feet hitting the ground. It was by a creek too so if we were towards the bottom you could hear the water rushing. I really enjoy walking and I really don't do it enough. I think I just don't like walking alone. At one point me and two of my siblings (the older one and the youngest one) got separated from my other sister and my dad. I started getting anxious thinking about all the what-ifs. The youngest started singing which she always does when it's quiet, which oddly comforted me.
The drive there and back was really nice too. It's all country so there's lots of farms and trees and ridiculously nice houses. I played music that matched the mood but I think I was the only one to appreciate it. I imagined the people who lived in those houses and their nice lives they lived. It was the exact area I pictured for the NGS. There was a little village near by that was super small but looked really nice. I was thinking about how I don't think I could ever live in the city because I would miss the smell of the woods. No candle could ever capture that perfect outside smell, though I wish they could.
I wonder what isn't being said, or if there is anything not being said at all.
I wish you would just cry to me for once. I can always see it creeping in. You've done it before so why is this any different?
I like when you're drunk (sometimes) it makes you real sweet to me. Usually when you are our moods match up and that's exactly what I need at that time. It's always nice being told "I love you" especially when it's meant. I look forward to seeing what you're like when you're like that irl. Don't fight with me on that.
"You" doesn't always mean you. I mean, it often does but not always. Just try to keep up, ok? Context clues.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
I want to live domestically. Waking up before you to make you breakfast. Humming and swaying around the kitchen in the cool morning air. Planning out the day. Getting dressed and running errands together. Small picnics in the park. Watching movies together. I want the simple things the most. I want to feel loved and that my company is enjoyed. I want to feel comfortable.
I want to write more poetry but it's hard when I think everything I write is so bad. I want it to be genuine, but not corny. If I said this to you, yes you, you'd say something like "none of your writing is bad, and if you're saying it genuinely it can't be corny because you mean it" and to that I say: up yours!
Every playlist is a letter from me to you.
Ok 330 more words to go. What do I say?
I wish we could hang out more. I really enjoy talking to you. I really do cherish our calls. They tend to be the highlight of my week. I hope you like them too.
I love the one picture of Nick Miller and Jess Day where he's laying in her lap and she's reading. Kinda silly of me but I think it encompasses me in a very simple way. Its sweet And I love it.
I hope we go to the beach this year, it's been forever since I've gone.
I wish I had more to say to you. I want to talk constantly but I never know what to say. Which is why I just say the stupidest shit ever. I don't know how you talk to me.
I want you to show me more things. This is directed at you, bam. I want to see everything you have to show. It's all stupid cool. You're stupid cool. Fuck You.
I'll write more of these when I have something to say. Maybe I'll make a separate book for poetry because it feels out of place in here.
I hope we aren't outgrowing these. Maybe that's just the way the cookie crumbles. They're like letters that I can reread whenever and wherever.
Fuck 1000 words idk what to say for the next 100 so here's some lyrics:
Will I be able to speak
After a stiff drink?
Would it break my panic?
Would the sweat stop pouring out?
Slow and deliberate
With her words
She'll walk through
My heart
Those eyes light a fire
In the stomach
Fall apart
From the inside out
