Going off to college over an hour away has really got me thinking about my relationship with my sisters so let's examine them one by one:
Lucy
Lucy and I are not close. We can exist in the same room and joke around but ultimately we are not close. We are just different people. She's also at that age where she just feels awkward having close relationships with her family I think. She's not close with any of us. I often worry she's not close to anyone. I know almost nothing about her. I know the shoes she watches, she doesn't really listen to music, and doesn't consume much media besides shows. She hangs out with her friends and that's that. I worry that im not trying enough in our relationship. She's almost 15. She's the closest in age to me. I think once I move away and offer her to come stay with me for the weekend, we'll get much closer. Or we won't. The common theme you'll see with all 3 is that I'm terrified of them thinking I'm abandoning them. We'll touch on that more with Kennedy. Lucy is the most like my mother. She's sneaky, lazy, selfish, and avoidant. But she's also 15. Lucy used to steal money from my parents all the time, and I hope she's grown out of that. I hope we'll be close when I move out. Or we'll barely speak again. I barely see her now. I hope to god that we eventually become close. Or at least closer than now. I genuinely and fully hope.
Gretchen
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who's really fighting for Gretchen. She has bad mood problems and gets too angry too quick. She will be overly joyous one second and then sad the next. She's unpredictable, and Lucy hates her. They share a room so it's not too surprising that they clash, but Lucy straight up bullies her. I can tell it has a big affect on her. Lucy tells her that she hates her, she's annoying, she's ugly, no one wants her around, and worst of all, she wants her to die. I try to be as nice and accommodating to Gretchen as possible. I call her my best friend and let her stay in my room, and we often joke around. Gretchen and I play fight while her and Lucy actually fight. I worry about how it'll be when I move out. I hope she can find comfort and she can find refuge in wherever I'm staying. I think the best part of moving away will be seeing my family. It's hard to constantly be around someone like that, so I hope that once I leave everyone will ease up. They'll both have their own rooms and won't be forced to be close. I hope.
Kennedy
Kennedy is only 5 years old. I worry that I won't be there often enough while she grows up. By the time I'm done college she'll be Gretchen's age. We're 13 ish years apart. She's just a baby. I am genuinely worried she'll think I'm abandoning her. She used to have dreams all the time where we all left her. She also has a thing with my mom. She'll out of the blue say "I miss mommy" and I hope that she won't do that for me. But at the same time I hope she does. I wanna be gone but still present. I don't wanna just leave these kids. It's inevitable but still daunting. They're going to keep growing up and living without me there. The world doesn't pause for me. I'm going to miss them so much. When I live on my own I'll wander into the kitchen and be so sad I'm alone, contrasting now that I complain that I'm never able to be alone in the kitchen. I wish I could cherish it better now. I wish I could remind myself in those moments it's not going to be like this forever. It genuinely upsets me. But I guess this is growing up. I never thought it would hurt this bad.
Timmie
I don't know what I'll do without my father. It's not even a survival thing, I'll be fine on my own, it's genuinely like a friend thing. My father is one of the people that I am closest too. We share the same interests, we always go to concerts together, we watch movies together, and I'll miss that so so much. I also sometimes feel like I'm the one who can balance everyone out. My dad is just like Gretchen temper wise. If one of them gets moody the other does too. Light hearted moods can turn ugly fast. I'm usually the one who fixes these. Calms everyone down, fixes the problem. My dad would deny this but it's kinda obvious. I will miss everything I do with my father, and I will miss it so incredibly bad.
Ok after collecting myself from processing something I didn't even know I was upset about,
we can move on.
I'm worried about faith. I haven't heard from her in a bit. I hope everything's ok.
Apparently I'm having a graduation party. News to me!
My dreams have been a little too on the nose recently, it's kind of annoying.
I like reading our old wattpads. They're very sweet.
Sorry I've been so all over you recently. Like saying I love you too much and stuff. I don't really know why, but I feel the need to tell to every time I think it. I feel very reminiscent of summer 2020. Idk if it makes you uncomfortable please tell me. The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable. I just love you a lot. You're the only one who very truly gets me. I don't wanna get too gay in this one. I like saying it in calls more these days. Idk.
I need 5 more words to hit 1000
I want to write more. It really helps.
I wanna hold the hand inside you
I wanna take the breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
