As I write this I am in my dark room surrounded by the haze of summer and being tired. I had been at some friend of my grandmothers house all day in the pool. I'm not a big pool person, but when in Rome, right? I didn't sleep much last night. No particular reason why. I just couldn't sleep after we called. I thought this would make me miserable all day but it made me unusually calm. I was just happy to be out of the house.
One thing I look forward to about getting old is sitting around and shooting the shit. I see it in glimpses with my friends. Sitting outside in our back yards, just two chairs pulled up half facing each other, and a mouthful of things to say. This woman and my grandmother seemed to not really care that I was there, they just talked. I was included in the conversation though, don't get me wrong, it's just that they would say anything. There is nothing I love more than oversharing and hearing other people overshare, so this was my cup of tea. They started talking about body hair when I said I don't like shaving under my arms because it makes me itchy. My grandmother had suggested we go get waxed together, and then promptly brought up Brazilian waxing. Now one thing about me, I do not care about the state of my body hair. I used to really care but now it's just whatever. I'll shave my legs if I'm feeling up for it but that's literally it. I like to assume that any sexual partner I have wouldn't care about that stuff. However, my grandmother excitedly decided to tell me that she shaves her asshole. Traumatic. It didn't bother me though. That's the thing about having younger family members.
One thing I always forget about my grandmother, and that always happens to come up just as I'm enjoying my time, is that she is a standard FOX news Trump supporter. I decided all day not to humor it. She would bring up CRT and I'd stay silent. She'd say "California is just way too woke," and I'd nod my head. I wouldn't give in because I didn't want to sour the day. If my dad had been there however, it would've been a war zone.
Speaking of my father, we talked about him a lot. It's so hard for me to imagine my parents when they were my age. I also found out that pretty much everyone on my dads side has had trouble with school and all went to alternative schools because of one reason or another. I think that's why no one really cares that my sister doesn't go. Also, not to bring up things that don't matter, but you'd think that they would care more about me graduating (1). I think it's crazy that my parents had a baby when they were my age. I think I could have a baby right now. My grandmother had said to me, "I could see you being the child that doesn't have any kids." I thought about that pretty hard. Her reasoning being something like "you'd need a break from kids" (2) I think I'd want to have kids though. I love kids. Anyway back to it. My dads family was way more troubled than I thought. My aunt had got jumped by 17 girls and became a reckless fighter who would punch anyone who looked at her weird. I could go into family dynamics more but I think that's more of a call conversation so I can cite specific stories. I'm losing my train of thought, lets just move on.
(1). It doesn't really upset me but sometimes it's kind of disappointing that no one in my family really cares about occasions. Birthdays, Holidays, get togethers, it's all the same. My dad HATES stuff like that. He often tells us he wishes we never found out about that stuff so we never had to participate in it. He gets super stressed about it. Around Christmas he freaks out for like the entire week before Christmas Day. It's a whole thing every year. Sometimes I just wish that I could actually have a birthday party. That's so silly and I don't even have the friends for it, it's just something I think about. In reality I probably wouldn't even like it. I know you can't relate to this Mr. Bounce House but it's just disappointing.
(2). There was this super long period of time in which everyone believes I like raised my sisters. It's really complicated. It's like half true. Ever since those bad times everyones always like "oh you need a break. You always take care of the girls." I don't really know how to feel about it. It mostly feels undeserved. What have I done but try to survive? Even saying that sounds like too much. This is complicated to explain if you don't know the ins and outs and dynamics of my childhood abuse. What a cool thing to say!
I was going to write this story in here but just got suddenly super anxious of someone finding this wattpad. Next call remind me to tell you the story about my grandmother talking about the house and my mom.
I miss my friends. I haven't seen the one in like 3 weeks. She's just so busy. She says she's sorry but the mentally ill in me says she's just kind of over me. I know this isn't true but its a hard hurdle to get over. We haven't even talked since then. It's disheartening to be honest, but I'll try to stay optimistic. I've mostly been talking to you. And to be completely frank, you're the person I've been most excited to talk to. It is so fruity of me but I literally get excited the whole time leading up to our calls. I really enjoy them, even if you can't get through them sober.
I had more to say but I'm getting so tired and hungry. I miss this feeling. The wooziness after being in the sun all day. It feels good. It's finally starting to feel like summer.
The summer war is upon us now
We'll have to take our things and go
All the heavens falling down tonight
