I often say I try to be cool for me of the past, which is true, but sometimes I more so think it's for me of the future. I'm not going to be cool forever, I don't think anyone is. We all eventually are the soccer moms and fishing dads we so resent now.
Worst case scenario (I mean I'm not becoming addicted to heroin or anything, this is the best of the worst is more so what I mean) I become a house wife and take care of my 3 kids, I marry, I get a job, I become completely average. As much as I make it seem bad, it really isn't. I know I'd be content with that. My 17 year old brain thinks of this as the enemy though.
I'm no corporate sell out! DIY or die!
I think I try to be cool now so that when I'm completely mediocre and happy, I can be content that I was wild when I needed to be. Am I wild now though? I dye my hair and have patches on my pants but don't I conform to every authority placed upon me? Am I really as cool as I think I am?
Constantly all dressed up with no place to go.
Best case scenario, you and I move into a shitty apartment in Somewhere Cool, PAAB and just make cool stuff all the time. This can't be forever though, can it? Seems like such a 17 year old fantasy. I don't think we'd be content into our 30s. Would we?
I guess this boils down to, what do I want?
I honestly don't know.
When I was younger I had my entire like planned out. I would go to an Ivy League college and major in something like literature or psychology, and then marry some boy (oh comphet! Why do my ideals never include women? Am I faking it? I think it is comphet.) I would get a nice job and raise some nice kids and be middle middle class. Painfully and fantastically average.
What do I want to do now? I think nothing.
All I do now a days is sit in my room and listen to music and play mobile games. So boring. Show me something new!
I want to go on walks but I get so sad when I'm left alone with my thoughts. Music can only take me so far. I need more friends.
I am constantly saying I need more friends but what am I doing about that? Absolutely nothing.
What do I actually have going for me?
Sometimes I dream of graduating highschool and just moving in with Lucas and going to some community college out there.
Do I want to start the mediocrity so early? Should I sacrifice my individuality and childhood plans for a shot at being happy? What am I leaving behind? What is keeping me here?
I can't wait for the transition between relating to the Jeff Rosenstock songs into relating to the Modern Baseball songs.
Shut up, Jerk Off!
Why are you complaining about being mediocre. Please, Madison, explain to me how you are not mediocre already? You listen to punk music and dye your hair? Please, get a grip. You are not special or unique. You're everyone's manic pixie dream girl but you suck at it. But please, go write some more poetry and say you're a romantic because that is unique because no one else on planet earth wants to be loved, right? You are so insufferable you know that? I can't believe anyone can even bare to be around you. You're so embarrassing. Keep trying to sound cool with your watered down politics that you think you understand. No one cares that you hate capitalism, every single 17 year old "female" with dyed hair hates capitalism. You are a carbon copy of everyone like you, but here you are complaining about mediocrity! Everything you are known for is not your own. Maybe the reason you don't have friends is because everyone is so tired of the cool guy MPDG little thing you have going on. I wouldn't be surprised. And you're just so mentally ill right? BORING! Do you think you're cool for being mentally ill over something that is barely even considered trauma? No one wants to be friends with a schizophrenic. And you aren't even the cool kind. Honestly, don't you think it's time to just leave? Get a job and save up money then completely disappear. Start over. No one will miss you. You deserve everything you get.
Whatever I guess.
