Things have changed drastically this year. Sometimes I feel like I'm a whole new person. Sometimes it feels like this is who I've tried to be all along. Whoever this is, it's me, and I'm ok with that. For the first time in a long time, I feel alright.
What I don't understand is why I'm suddenly so sought after. I'm not complaining, it's just weird. Suicidally alone and then totally smothered. My therapist says it's because "oh these kids are growing up to realize that being different is cool!" Which I guess makes sense. But also I don't believe that. G*** and Jesseny have been in my life since forever, but why the sudden interest. I don't think I'll ever understand. Honestly, I don't think they know either. Sometimes stuff happens and we need to just let it happen.
I like to think I am a good friend. I must be. It's no coincidence that these two people suddenly completely open up to me within days of hanging out. Jesseny says I have that effect on people. That I'm just a generally comforting person. I take great pride in that. If I'm not for myself, I'm for others.
One thing I noticed is that those two also sing in the car with me. Whenever someone else is in with us they tend to keep quiet. I love when people sing in the car with me. It gives me such a dopamine rush. Especially when they do it passionately and loud. It's very endearing. I love it.
I've also realized that I am extroverted. If you told 14 me that they'd laugh in your face.
The teacher who I said reminded me of you has been getting on my nerves. He feels like he has to constantly reassure me that it's ok that I'm different. Like buddy... if I wasn't ok with it by now I'd either conform or kill myself. He thinks I'm the coolest person ever though and he kinda sucks my dick about everything I do. Telling me I'm mature for my age (ok G*** I know it's cliche but I don't think he's grooming me.) and that my eclectic music taste shows how mature and empathetic I am. How I am cultured and cool. How all of his Highschool friends told him "the goth girl in homecoming was so cool!" And how he bragged to them about how I'm in his class. Him telling me that he's an ally after he catches me reading lesbian feminist theory in class. Him saying I have such a good ear for music. Like come on Ben (not you fart magic, the teacher) I knoowww I'm cool. He's the only teacher I've actually really liked. Too bad he's leaving at the end of the month.
My mother has been here everyone once in a while. One night she came over and took a video playing with my sisters in the back yard. We didn't see her for 2 weeks after that. Her motherhood is performative, which is so funny to me. My dad once said "she has all these boyfriends, I wonder what she tells them. She probably either hides it or tells them upfront. I wouldn't be proud about being a dead beat mom. It is your mother though." I try not to think about her these days. I don't need to.
I've started day dreaming again. I desperately needed it. I've felt so romantic and had no where to exert it. I can never find good wattpads and songs and movies can only do so much. My day dreams are beautiful, and one day they'll be true.
I know the struggle of feeling like no one could ever like you. I experience that every single day of my life. Why do you think I e-date! Let's not get into that, that's a whole Wattpad in its self. I need you to remember that you are loved though. You are cute and funny and one of the smartest people I've ever met and everything you say is interesting. I'm surprised girls aren't ripping off their panties when they see you. I love you. And I always will. No matter what. When the world begins to love Ben FartMagic like I do, I will have another thing to be a hipster about. One day.
I want to talk more about G** but I'm limiting myself. I'm going too fast too quick. I need to slow down. I don't want to embarrass myself. Even though he seems completely along for the ride, I can't get ahead of myself. I gotta start journaling about it though. And then burn it once I'm done. Yeah.
AJJ was fun. I honestly surprised myself with how many strangers I struck up conversation with. Winning small battles! They seemed to all like me and I made them laugh a lot. I kept making this bit with one of the girls where I kept saying Sean was an old man and I was going to beat him in a fight. She was belly laughing at this. I felt in my prime. That concert made me feel so good afterwards. I had a high. I missed it.
School is going really well for me. I've been applying to colleges. It's scary, I won't lie. I think I'm ready for this next big step. Adulthood has been slowly creeping up on me. It's terrifying, but I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
I need to use Wattpad more. I always feel like I have so much to say and no where to say it. I say this Everytime though. One day I'll get back into the groove. Until then, I love you.
