I'm usually not triggered when it comes to the schizo stuff. It's kind of just there. Not today however.
My delusions have really died down. It's mostly just hallucinations now which despite what my therapist says, do not affect me at all. What am I gonna do? Freak out cause I saw a cat walk by? Because I saw a weird bug on the wall? No.
My sister got her Snapchat "hacked" (and by hacked I mean she gave an internet friend the password. Dumbass) and the person who did it posted "fuck everyone" on her story along with some of her memories. My dad saw it and she freaked out. For some reason, this deeply disturbed me. I can't articulate why.
I left their room feeling weird. It felt like the anxiety I got when I thought my dad would find out I had an internet friend when I was 10. That person and I exchanged like 3 emails and I got so nervous I never answered again. But I still felt like he knew. If he did, he didn't care. I was sick to my stomach every time he mentioned my iPod or the iPad or anything. I eventually just got over this.
When I was walking up to my room I starting having delusions. I stood in front of my door and felt so sick. I genuinely believed that in my room someone was just gonna be there and try to shoot me. Typing this out makes it seem so dumb and silly, but I was so scared. I imagined what the guy looked like, I'll explain that in a second. I walked up my stairs really slowly because I was trying to hear movements or breathing. I almost cried. I got to the top of the steps and, of course, there was nothing there. I deep a really really deep breath. I was not eased.
The other day I saw a tik tok where a girl was walking down the street and a guy was driving next to her and masturbating in his car. He was smiling at her and I do not think I will ever forget what he looked like. It freaked me out. That's exactly what I imagined my delusion guy to look like. I can show you it if you want to know.
You know how people who are raped or sexually assaulted develop CNC fetishes. And people with childhood trauma develop DDLG fetishes. I hope to god I did not experience something that led to this simultaneous fetish but borderline triggering thing. I won't get into what it is but it really upsets me to think that's what might've happened. Geez.
Anyway
I also saw a tik tok about a guys younger sibling crying after he left for college and that made me upset as well. I was thinking about how my sisters will react and I just know one of them is going to cry so much. In those tik tok comments someone said "they just know that your childhood together has ended" that almost made me cry. I don't know if I'm ready to leave yet. But at the same time, all the reasons I won't leave yet are for other people, not myself.
Today my therapist told me that it would be difficult for me to live on my own right now. That almost made me mad because I pride myself so much on my ability to survive anything, especially my ability to live alone. She says that I have no motivation or self regulation. Maybe that's partly true, but I also just don't think there's much for me to even be motivated about. I don't wanna dwell on this anymore.
I wish Peyton wasn't such an asshole. It's incredible to me the way I used to think about him. I thought so highly of him and our friendship. I kinda wish I was still looking at him through rose tinted glasses. I guess I'm just growing up.
I really love talking to you. I say that a lot because I mean it. You make me happy. I've been thinking about the new girl situation a lot recently.
I don't have anything cool or clever to say to cap this off.
