I can't stop thinking about the past. I know that's just part of the human condition but it's been plaguing me recently. I've been thinking about that one Jeffrey Lewis line, "And at 15, getting stoned felt good, and it sent me back to childhood And nothing ever mattered to me more than that" *which is stupid and gay but still. I've just been clinging on to things that remind me of the good times. I'm watching good mythical morning and Smosh. I'm listening to TV girl. I'm breathing in the warm summer air like my its my last breath ever. I'm grasping at whatever I can to make me feel those things again. It's crippling to know things could never be what they once were. Going back to camp would be completely different. Even if miraculously G*** and I became friends again it'll be nothing like it was. And even now with us it will just never be the same. I don't want to say we peaked or anything but I just don't think anything will eat us during lockdown. It's all gone but I so desperately want it back. That's not to say that now is bad. It's fine. Dare I say even good. But it will never be as it was. Time is moving and I feel like I'm staying behind. Why can't I just catch up.
*This line is stupid but it makes me think about being off my ass at Willow's house in Lee's room reminiscing on old YouTube videos. Being so high I can barely speak English but being able to remember every old Pewdiepie video. It's too real. Thanks Jeff.
These last 3 weeks of school are killing me. I have so much work to do but I just can't. I'm not doing super well. I just want it to be over but I still have finals. Thank god I only have 2 real finals. I have a French test tomorrow that I know I'm not going to do well on. God grant me serenity.
I wish I could write again. I read my old silly little stories and I just miss writing like that. They're horrible but fun to write. I don't know why I don't write them anymore.
Starting next semester I'm going to be president of Feminist Alliance which is extremely daunting. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I barely know what to do now and I'm not being shown. It's going to be stressful and I'm going to bitch and complain as always.
I should stop writing this wattpad and instead go study for my stupid French test. J'ai tort.
I wanna be emaciated
I wanna hear one song without thinking of you
I wish I was on a spaceship
Just me and my dog and an impossible viewI dream about it
And I wake up falling
