This originally was going to be about g*** and how I had a little resurgence of being upset about him but that's mostly passed. The title is pretty dramatic and tied in well with the topic but I'm not changing it cause I have a feeling it'll fit with this one too. We'll talk about something else now.
It is day 134 of me trying to write a wattpad. I'm determined to put this one out tonight. It's been too long and lord knows I have things to say. It's the perfect atmosphere tonight.
I know I've been on your dick too much recently and I apologize for that. I just miss you, and all this calling has had me missing you even more. I love our calls. Even when they're 6 hours and I'm asleep for half of it and you're too guilty to hang up. I don't know why you felt guilty. I was literally asleep. I had no say in the matter. Regardless, I love our calls. They always make me laugh. You always make me laugh. I would tell you the extent of which I've been missing and thinking about you but ya know, you already think I want you so I won't add fuel to the fire. I've noticed that I'll apologize for being on your dick and follow that up with being even more on your dick. Maybe we need a better analogy.
Speaking of, it's particularly hot tonight and its got me reminiscing on summer 2020. Golden age of our friendship. I actually don't know how to feel about that. I only say golden age because I remember it so fondly and I am constantly nostalgic for it. We were just getting so close so fast under unfortunate circumstances. I wouldn't change it for the world though. It's especially nostalgic tonight as I sit in my hot and humid room and think about all the things I want to say to you. Maybe that's cheesy. I don't see the point in these if they aren't honest though.
It's weird to think about that in a few months I will no longer be completely living in my hometown. Mostly that I won't have my friends at my disposal. They're both staying home, and for some reason, I feel guilty that I'm leaving. If I told them that they would say, "you shouldn't just stay for us, we'll be fine! It's a silly thing to worry about," but I will fret over it no matter what. I'll miss them so bad. The internet is never the same, we know that more than anyone. It is weird that I won't be here anymore. I'll have a whole new place that I've never been before. Equally as exciting as terrifying. I barely know anyone else who is dorming, which is also scary because it'll be an experience I can't share with people I know. I know that the person I'll be sharing my room with will be experiencing the same thing but it's still different. Everything will be new and terrifying, but that's just growing up I guess. Kind of lame.
Graduation is unnervingly soon. 2ish weeks actually. I don't feel anything about it. I guess it hasn't hit me. I don't think it will hit me until I'm actually doing it. I hope I feel something. I'm sure I will. It's impossible that I won't.
I will only admit this in this wattpad, but my gooning problem has become a problem again. I could blame it on mania, I could actually blame a lot of things on mania right now, but that would feel like I'm not addressing the problem. It's gotten pretty bad compared to what it used to be like. It went from zero to one hundred pretty quick. I hate it, and I hate myself for it. It's gross. I feel gross about it. But I just can't stop. It's embarrassing. Let's just move on.
Been listening to an ABSURD amount of Jeff Rosenstock recently. Like a ridiculous amount. I guess it's because I'm on the last stretch of high school. It's probably also a factor in me thinking about you so much. It's relatable I guess. It's all just so good. It's good yelling music too, very passionate.
What else what else lets see I've talked about school and my friends and gooning and you so all the usual stuff
I guess we'll just end it here because we covered all our bases.
Don't let me know all the reasons that it probably shouldn't work
Or let me know all the things I'll never do
Don't go reframing my truth in a context versus you
All aggressive like I got something to proveIf you knew that I think about you every single day
Would it make you feel like I'm too much for you?
Or would you kinda wanna say,
"You don't have to feel that way,
I've been trying not to think about you too"
