My mania is subsiding and I'm being welcomed into the cold familiar arms of depression. I'm currently in the middle, manic enough to go out every night and feel insane when I can't, but depressed enough to not take care of myself. I'm accepting the bipolar I probably have. I think it makes sense. When my doctor mentioned it, I initially panicked and denied it. I guess that's how you know it's true. If it burns it's working!
I keep referencing Fleabag to myself and everyone around me. Even the title of this wattpad is a fleabag quote. It reminds me of J****, but we'll touch on that in a second. I realize no one around me has seen Fleabag, so my broken record scratch of "soon-to-be fleabag era" falls on deaf ears. In all honesty, I don't relate to fleabag. She's obsessed with sex and has horrible relationships with everyone around her and tends to be a "ruiner". She only sees her value in the way she's wanted for her body. She "fucks everything that walks". I'm not like fleabag. I don't think I'll ever be like Fleabag. My "fleabag era" is more so about the brokenness of her. Her mom is dead (i wish!) her best friend killed herself due to fleabags own hands, and she has a bad relationship with everyone. She's the opposite of me, but if there was a venn diagram of me and fleabag there'd be two things in the middle: absurd mommy issues and uncomfortable loneliness. This is so dumb why am I writing about this. I've rewatched fleabag a million times. I don't know what it is about it. Maybe I'll understand eventually.
"Women are being with the pain built in" is a fleabag quote that was also almost said word for word by our friend J****. Her view of men is endlessly fascinating to me. She seems to hate them. Do all young women eventually become misandrists? I know we talked about this in the call too. I can't get my thoughts together enough to write about this. There's something revolutionary on the tip of my tongue but I just can't spit it out.
Me and the wife are seeming to leave our hard times. Obviously it's still rough, but at least we're talking and playing video games again. I know it's a joke (it's not) but I've really just been "don't think about it pilled" I refused to acknowledge what was staring me in the face. It was just too scary. Paired with the other thing (that I refuse to mention in this chapter!) it seemed like a recipe for disaster. It bothered me. Whenever someone would ask me about him I would feel hot tears under my eyes. I couldn't help it. The worst part is, we never resolved anything because there was never anything to resolve. We didn't argue (except passive aggressively, which I fucking hated) it's hard when we're both non confrontational. Or maybe I'm just over thinking this and there really isn't anything wrong. I don't know. Even writing this I'm getting uncomfortable. Can we go back to the tobuscus erotic fiction already? I'm getting antsy with this honesty.
I'm not going to mention it. I'm not going to mention it. I do it too much. I already think about it too much I can't let it fill up these wattpads too. You know what I'm referring to. There's nothing to even be said about it. And I refuse to bring it up again in this Wattpad unless absolutely necessary.
College sucks. I've been avoiding it like hell. Not writing essays, not looking at places I wanna apply. I have until December to make a concise list of places to apply to. We should do that in a call one night. Lord knows I need the support.
I'm going to be blunt.
I've been masturbating a concerning amount again. I'm burning a hole in my dopamine receptors. Porn has gotten boring. I barely even get a dopamine rush anymore. I feel gross about it. I've been trying not to think about it. Which seems like a dumb thing to say considering it's an action. I don't know. I wanna completely stop. I'm weak willed.
The next month is about to be hell. I briefly mentioned this to you but didn't tell you why. My cousin is apparently moving back here from North Carolina. She's bringing her baby with. My aunt is also going to start babysitting my other cousins baby during the day. Two fucking babies in the house. TWO FUCKING BABIES. And by the way, nobody was consulted about this. It was just kind of "hey! Your cousin is living here again!" Which is driving everyone crazy. It's going to be hell. My cousin is a bitch and I'm gonna end up having to do all her dishes and laundry because "boo hoo I have a baby and I'm breaking up with the guy who accidentally got me pregnant who's in the military and surprise surprise! He's getting deployed and doesn't want to deal with me and my baby! oh no!" Maybe I'm an asshole but Jesus. I just can't deal with this stuff. I feel like I'm constantly on eggshells around her. I don't wanna deal with it. I already fucking hhhhaaaattttteeee living here for reasons I will never tell anyone ever. It's just making it worse.
I'm gonna mention him. Actually no I'm not. I didn't make a whole paragraph saying I'm not going to just to do it like 200 words later. Let's not contemplate this.
There's so many things I've been choosing to simply not think about. This is definitely going to bite me in the ass.
Our call was nice. Honestly I got kind of embarrassed about singing for some reason. I actually got really embarrassed. Idk why. I miss calling you. I thought calling Jesseny in the middle of our call was funny, I hope you didn't think anything bad about it, like I didn't want to talk to you or something. I really miss calling you. I wish we were together. I think about it a lot recently. The seasons are changing. It's getting colder. The longing has returned.
