This chapter was going to be depressing. I was going to write about feeling numb yet anxious and not knowing what I'm going to do. I don't want to be depressing because it'll only make me feel worse. I don't want to write about it because then I'll have to think about it. Let's switch it up.
It's been warm recently. My house and room have been smelling the way it usually does in the summer. It's nice and nostalgic. It smells like when we'd hang out on those hot hot nights and I'd sit half naked on my bed and stare at the stars in the wall and talk to you about anything and everything. It smells like watching American Horror Story with Faith at 3 am and repeatedly saying "oh god I'm gonna have nightmares". It smells like when my dad and I would clean up the yard and then he'd cook on the grill and we'd eat outside. It smells like waking up early to go swimming that day.It smells like packing for camp. It smells like being uncomfortably hot. It smells like sleeping in the basement of my aunt and uncles Delaware house on a blow up mattress with my sister. It smells like the first day home from camp. It smells like waking up and knowing it'll be a nice day. I love the summer sometimes.
I've been thinking about those scenarios a lot recently but I said that last chapter. It's the escapism I so desperately need right now. When I start to get upset I just try to come up with new days in these scenarios. It always helps. That's partly why I haven't been writing. Everything I've been thinking about has either been depressing or escapism scenarios. You don't wanna hear those.
You know I'm glad we have this though. I absolutely love all your entries. Your mind is an enigma. Even your worst ones (according to you) are so amazing. I love your writing. I wish I could make you feel better though. I know this is obnoxiously savior like of me but I often feel like things would be better if we in person, I feel like I could make you feel better. Maybe that's just my misandry speaking. I do want you to feel better. I really really do.
For as long as I've been alive, whenever someone in my family has been in a stressful situation they recite the serenity prayer. My grandfather used to do it all the time. My dad does it a lot now too. I wish I had more memories of my grandfather. I don't want this chapter to be depressing.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I'm excited for you to read the haters. It's the most Ben Meier story I know. You'll love it. And I'll be able to reference it. Our friendship is nothing but references but I love that. I love you.
I hope I'll be fluent in French one day. I love speaking and reading it.
I miss calling you a lot. I've genuinely been thinking about messing up my sleep schedule just to call you more.
"There's always the weekends"
Yeah but I want to talk to you NOW! I wanna spend as much time with you as I can before you leave NEET-dom and we don't talk as much. I'll selfishly miss you despite being so happy and proud of you. I am proud of you.
I don't know what else to say but I want to say more. I need to write more. I need to write more for myself. However there's nothing to say when there's nothing happening.
All along unknowingly I've acted out the plan
