Last night as soon as Chloe came in the call, someone said "haha Chloe meet your replacement!!" Which made me cringe really hard. I doubt you remember it. But it really made me think. Is that how I'm viewed? I've realized it's a common theme in my life that I'm constantly replacing what once was. I really am a maniac pixie dream girl. Do I even really have a personality? Or am I just an amalgamation of everyone I've replaced? Am I really caring and loyal, or were they just not? Are my personality traits my own or were they coerced into me by the exceptions. Am I them? Am I the opposite of them? Am I what you wanted them to be? I just don't know. I had noticed it before. I just happen to come along just as people had falling outs. And sometimes I'm just completely forgotten once they come back. I'm just enough out of the loop to avoid the drama but my personality is enough to keep the dynamic. Maybe I'm taking this too much to heart. I know you'll say, "man it was just a joke, I'm sure they were kidding!" But I think you know there's truth to every bit.
The thing about this Manic Pixie Dream Girlism is that there's just nothing I can do about it. I have silly dyed hair, I listen to "cool" music, I read silly little books, and I accept any love that's thrown at me. Maybe one day I'll break out of it. I'll be stripped of everything that once was me and I'll be left a blank slate for the final person to make me into what they want. And then I'll just stay like that. I like to think I'm my own person but am I really? I have a silly little Internet personality. I'm not real. I wish I could be genuine, but the thing is, I really do feel like I'm being genuine. Maybe this doesn't make sense. Maybe it doesn't have to.
Maybe I was just too tired in the call. Maybe all of this means nothing. Maybe it's just vaguely misogynistic and I'm just another girl. I don't know. I'm over this wattpad.
