This isn't related to the chapter (except the title) but at camp we had this thing called apache that was like a relay race but every single person at camp had something to do. Me, being unathletic and bad at math, was told to do the preamble. It was simple, you and another person had to recite the preamble to the constitution back and forth word by word. I became a master at it by the second year and had it memorized since. Please ask me to do it for you, its a "talent" I never get to show off.
After finishing this chapter I changed the title from "The Preamble" to "Doozy", but I will keep the first paragraph.
Now onto the show...
The weather here has been wonky. The nipping cold that makes my face red and my ears burn followed by a day reminiscent of the summer that gives a warm hug in the day and a cool kiss at night. I've been savoring these warm days. Exhaustedly eating water ice with Jesseny outside the gym while the cool breeze gives me goosebumps while my body burns with the warmth. The drive home with the windows down, it comfortably quiet with the occasional stirring words. It's laying in my bed in the dark while the wet hotness fills my room. The sound of wind and rain drowning out the artificial. It's walking home in a jacket that's too hot to wear but too cold not to wear. It's sitting in classrooms starring out the window trying to really feel the moment. Noticing how school always smells the same in the spring, even in elementary school. Noticing the swooshing sound of the AC behind that makes the room just cold enough to make me drowsy. How the light looks coming in through the blinds. Watching my peers faces illuminated slightly by the phone in their lap. It rained really hard to day. Oddly in a way that matched my mood. The hot humidity outside felt like my anxiety, a heavy blanket covering my body, making me feel almost sick. The rain being almost a relief, this moment is over but another is to come.
I don't wanna talk about school in this. I don't need to. I can complain but that's only gonna make me feel worse. I'll be fine. Maybe I'll even grow to like it.
College is scary but exciting. I wonder who I'm going to meet. Am I going to talk about Doctor Who with Ashton clone #2397832? Am I going to truly find my 10% of people? We will see. I'm excited to hear your opinions on these people.
I'm really sorry you've been down recently. I always wish there was more I could do. I can already hear you nagging, "blah blah its enough I'm Ben *****! I like penis!" But I wholeheartedly wish I could do anything more. It sucks that all I can do is say I'm sorry for the millionth time. I always mean it. Always. If you ever need anything please let me know. And don't worrying about the venting, that's what I'm here for. I promise.
Sitting here on my bed writing watt pads feels almost sickeningly like the summer. It's too humid and I'm writing the same things I always do. I'm listening to duster and trying to up my word count like this is some academic paper and you're my professor. I know you don't care but I care.
I wonder why I like those cringe awful gay little posts about love so much. They seem so profound (bad word choice there but you know what I mean) to me for some reason. I love love. It makes the world go round. I love every person I meet. I want to love and be loved. Maybe that's silly, but it doesn't feel silly. I want to be vulnerable and have people be vulnerable to me. I want to be noticed. I want to be missed. I want to yearn. This is silly but I mean it. I need you to know that I mean it.
I miss you. I wish we called longer. That's probably my own fault. I liked when we called like every day of the week you were off. Idk I just miss ya I suppose.
You, In Weird Cities has a grip on me like no other song. I put it on after writing this and remember how I said it currently feels like summer, it was a punch in the face to put it on. I am unbelievably nostalgic for summer 2020. I miss laying in my bed half naked on the phone sweating my ass off and talking to you about the NAWT. I miss it so much. I don't think you understand. This song makes me wanna cry every time I hear it. I don't know why I'm so emotional tonight. I hope this summer has calls like the last 2. I really need that, especially this summer.
I need to bring back the scenarios. Or at least flesh them out more with you. That's one thing I love about you, you make these scenarios feel real. Idk I'm being gay again.
I wanted to hit 1,000 words but I don't think I have anything else to say that won't be said in the next big wattpad. I love you.
You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves
you, but he loves you. And you feel like you've done something terr-
ible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself
a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. You're in a car with a beautiful boy,
and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to
choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and
he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your
heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you
don't even have a name for.
1,000 words!
