I don't want to be emo all the time. And I hate calling it emo but I don't want to straight up say "muh I'm depressed" because that's dumb. I'm fine, I really am. I'm just tired of sitting around all day with my dick in my hand when I could be actually doing what I'm supposed to. I don't wanna talk about what I'm anxious about because it won't help. I want to avoid even thinking about it. It leaves the worst feeling in my body. Like I'm going to die. If I don't do this thing I won't graduate and basically all 12 years of me doing my best will be just thrown away. Idk I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it.
I am only going to admit this because I need to say it but this while unbearably anxious this is making kinda ya know. Ouchie-ish. Don't worry about it though. It's not like I'm gonna do anything. It's just like an unbearable force I need to get out of my body. And sometimes that's the only way that makes sense. I'll just deal with it though. No point in making it worse.
I can't tell you how much I needed that call. I know you feel the same way, and believe me I do too. I've been feeling horrible and it just made me feel so much better. I wish we could call more. I just miss you all the time, especially now. You're just so funny and cool. I'm not gonna suck y- actually I will. You make me laugh so much. I think everything you tell me about is endlessly cool. You are probably the most interesting person I know. And you're endlessly sweet. I don't deserve half the things you say to me. I really hope we can call again soon. I think we both need it.
I don't wanna vent in this. I don't wanna feel at all. I just wanna sleep all day and not think of anything. I'm sorry that I've been like this. I just can't shake this funk.
Jeff Rosenstock makes me think about you and boy have I been listening to him a lot lately. Especially Pash Rash and I Did Something Weird Last Night.
I need the escapism of the nawt and ngs again. I just can't muster up the energy to dream of them. I really wish I could. I should start reading Wattpad stories again because that's like artificial ones. Like if the nawt is natural dopamine then the silly little romance stories are like drugs. Quick and short. This is so fucking stupid.
I have nothing much to say. God I just need to feel better. I'm sorry.
I want to listen to The Cribs, my dear
While we make out in your car
And fuck the haters who object
They've overrated self-respect
The sky is always pitch black when I sneak away
I only wanna come back
To see your face, to see your face again
To see your face, to see your face again
