I come from the skinterrain school of mixing alcohol with rando drinks.
Am I feeling anything these days? I can't cry, my body just won't let me. I don't know if I'm sad or happy. I don't know anything
Calling you has been so nice. Definitely some of the best nights I've had in a while. And it's always nice to see your face. You're very pretty. I needed those calls so bad so I'm very glad we did them.
"And I could call out your name
But the sound would never reach you
Or I could call you on the phone
And have nothing to say."
I should've went to camp. I am so dumb for deciding not to. It seemed good for me and everyone convinced me of it too. I know how I get during the summer. It's already starting. God I'm so dumb.
I'm gonna pierce my ear after Monday. I have a doctors appointment (that I'm dreading) and I don't want to do it before then because it would be obvious I did it myself and with my history of mental health it could be seen as SH and blah blah blah. At least my appointment being on Monday means I have to reschedule therapy. God I'm dreading it. I can't deal with the whole "reliving trauma experience" I'm fine I don't need to go through it again. I think about stopping therapy but I doubt that's a good idea. Although I don't know if it's ever even helped me. I just should stop being mentally ill.
I'm so alone these days.
"Please whine about that some more like you do every other chapter"
It just looms over me so much it's hard to ignore. When I sleep all day and stay up all night it becomes glaringly obvious. I need friends.
I feel so awful tonight. I can't even exactly articulate why. Why can't I be comforted? Why do I let myself get like this? This is my fault
I don't want to get a job. I'm too anxious for it and I keep making excuses for why I don't want to work somewhere. I feel like I've been waiting for something that's never going to come. I wish you didn't live in another country. That's the troof.
It's taken me forever to write this. Everything past this was written today.
I wonder if I'm a hypocrite for being like "pro-addict" or whatever but still being angry with my mom. I listen to Pat the Bunny and whatever and I feel like maybe I shouldn't be so harsh. I know that's probably silly though. I'm allowed to be upset blah blah blah. Idk.
I'm probably gonna see Jeff Rosenstock in concert this year. Although I'm definitely going to enjoy it, I will cry so much. I'm a little baby at concerts. I get way too caught up in the feeling and being surrounded by people and music or whatever and I cry. It's kind of embarrassing. I've cried at every concert I've ever been to. If You, In Weird Cities plays I think I would actually die. I know I joke about that but I'm dead serious. If I can cry at just a random Frank Turner concert then of course I'm going to cry at that. I like when you said that it wouldn't be the same seeing him live if we weren't seeing him together. I would bawl my eyes out so hard. I know I'm epic but if we ever go to a concert together; be prepared for tears.
I always love going to concerts with my dad because he always makes it a nice day. One time he even picked me up from school early just to see AJJ. Since the concerts are usually in Philly we always walk around center city. Sometimes he takes me to ridiculously nice restaurants. One time, before an AJJ concert (theme here where we only see AJJ and Frank Turner lmao) he took me to this crazy place that was unbelievably fancy. I ate like rabbit or something and it was so weird. I was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and jean shorts so I probably looked kinda goofy. The place was also across the street from a bondage store. While we sat outside and ate there was harnesses and latex suits directly in my line of sight. Philly trips in generally with my dad are always nice. Although it's always an unbelievable amount of walking. The thing about that is it takes a while to catch up to you. You can be walking for 6 hours straight and not feel a thing but then suddenly your whole body is on fire and you're dying. When L— and his mom were here my dad showed them around Philly and we walked over 20,000 steps. It was crazy and super hot out and I was dying by the end. One day I will show you around Philly and force you to walk a bajillion steps to see a bunch of random things. Although knowing you, you'll probably enjoy it. I sometimes think about the places I'll show you. I haven't travelled very far, so the places I do know, I know like the back of my hand. If you ever come to see Pottstown, I will make you see every inch of it. I know you'll do the same for me too, and I can't wait.
I have my job interview soon and it's honestly really nerve wrecking. It's stupid Party City but I get anxious doing everything. I'm sure it'll be fine and I'll probably get the job. I really need it cause as you know my sleep schedule has been all over the place. My therapist will be pleased with me though. God, therapy. Don't even wanna think about that right now.
Father's Day is coming up soon and I've been thinking of what I should get my dad. My dad hates holidays, like all of them. They stress him out to no end. I was thinking of getting him a sticker book that you put stickers in but can also take them out. He has so many stickers but is unbelievably indecisive about putting them places. I hate the internet during Father's Day because it's always posts like "haha I hate my dad" I DONT GRRR. Yeah yeah yeah.
We should call again soon. I always love love love talking to you.
If you want me to
I will be the one
That is always good
And you'll love me too
But you'll never know
What I feel inside
That I'm really bad
Little trouble girl
