I want to be more consistent with these. I think it would even be good for me. I have just been letting stuff bubble inside me and then imagine scenarios in which I tell people these things. It's not the same as actually telling them obviously, but I guess it helped a bit. I need to shout them into the void, which is what these wattpads were originally intended to do. I think it got to a point where we were just whining and jerking each other off. That isn't horrible, but it's just not what I need right now. I don't think you need it either. I think we're past that. Or I could be completely talking out of my ass right now. It doesn't matter.
I have been hanging out a lot with Lil G recently. Yes that's what I'm going to call him for a reason I would LOVE to explain to you in the dms. For everyone else: die. I really really like him. It's so surprising to me how we never really talked before. I have always wanted to be friends with him. If you told me I'm 7th and 8th grade that we were routinely hanging out (and especially the way we're hanging out) I'd honestly probably faint. He was my first and really only crush (which I had told myself for a while was comphet* which I am on the fence about) so it's crazy that he's been talking to me at all. We are incredibly similar, much more than I originally thought. It's much different than hanging out with my other friends. I can't explain how. I think it might just be more uncomfortable. Which gives it a sweet feeling. I don't want to talk about him too much, I already do. It's just so new and weird. I was very suspicious the first time we hung out and I still find myself saying "why is he saying this to me? Why am I saying this to him?" But it all seems very nice. He doesn't seem to have any bad intentions. Even if he did he's not doing a very good job. Yeah, taking me to target then some random fast food place then aimlessly driving around is realllyy showing his true colors! Our conversations are great. They tinge on awkward but I trudge through. He seems to enjoy it too, at least I hope he does. It's embarrassing talking about it though and I don't know why. I feel like I talk about it too much to the point where it's weird. It's probably in my head but I feel like I have to be conscious about it. Maybe it makes more sense to you. All I know is, I'm having more fun now than I think I ever have.
Tomorrow (or the day after) I find out if I got on the homecoming court. Homecoming really means nothing at my school, there's no dance or anything, it's just the football game. I wanted to be on the court just so I can campaign really really hard and then dress silly the night of the game. I planned to dress super goth. He is running too and was planning on wear a David Byrne x Igor esque giant pink suit. Wed look so funny. I don't care if I win, I just wanna participate. I'm nervous about getting on the court though. It seems as though every girl in my entire school is running. I'm definitely the under dog here, but I think it gives me a slight advantage. Everyone wants to root for the underdog, right? Especially since I'm "quirky" it's like the Juno quote:
"Jocks like him always want freaky girls. Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup. Girls who play the cello and wear Converse All-Stars and want to be children's librarians when they grow up. Oh yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up. They just won't admit it because they're supposed to be into perfect cheerleaders like Leah, who, incidentally, is into teachers."
I think it'll be one of my greatest bits honestly. It'll be so funny. Or it won't. It'll be funny to me, and that's what really matters.
College has been fucking me up recently. Like porn star fucking me. You think it would be fun but it's gross and unpleasurable. Weird analogy. Anyway. I didn't apply for my FAFSA (money for college if you don't know) and I haven't even thought about which colleges I want to look at. Yeah. Which ones I even wanna look at. I know what I'm gonna do, my dad pretty much laid it out for me. I'm gonna go and major in project management and find a good job immediately out of college and then join a Union and make fuck you money until I retire at 50. My dad (and unsurprising Lil G (I'm losing this nickname holy shit is it bad LMAO)) is extremely pro union. My dad sings "solidarity forever" allll the time. My uncle is in a union and makes soo much money, and my dad is planning to do the same thing. I'll probably do exactly what he wants me to. Not just because I want to do whatever he says (which is part of the reason) but also I have zero ambition. What else am I gonna do? Major in creative writing? Psychology? Might as well tape a piece of paper to my back that reads "QUEER AND MENTALLY ILL" I thought about going into the trade. Could you imagine me in the trade though? I couldn't. Maybe I could. I don't know.
I've been emo recently. Can't tell ya why. Not like "I can't tell you why" but like "I have literally no idea why" . Living in my house is hell for reasons I don't want to explain. My mom is out of jail but you'd never know because I haven't seen her since she got out. That's classic her though. Not to bring up him again but my mother had made me upset that day we hung out, so I kept making remarks about my mom. They were dumb like I'd just say "'my dumb bitch mom" or "she worked there before she became a professional whore" just low blows that didn't mean anything but made me feel a little better. I guess he picked up on this and said "fuck your mom" which weirdly made me feel sooo much better. He doesn't know anything she's ever done so it just feels good for him to hate her simply because I do. I briefly said to him "haha yeah I was abused I had CPS called on me" because it was relevant to the conversation and that's when he apologized. It was very very sweet. I'm getting off topic.
My emoness has been annoying. I can't focus on anything. I can't even stay in a call with anyone for more than 10 minutes. And I feel the constant need to be hanging out with someone and out of the house. I don't know what's gotten into me. Who knows.
Been listening to an absurd amount of DCHC these days. Makes me feel cool. I am cool. Fuck yeah!
We will call soon. I will update this more. I have to. I WILL.
* liking him felt like comphet because everything I found (find) attractive about him is just so man. Especially now. I don't like him like that, but he's definitely attractive in certain ways. Let's conveniently list them off
1. Hard working with a hands on job where he wears coveralls and gets gross during work. Come on bro. Come on. It's very comphet to find working with your hands attractive.
2. Can lift heavy things. (I think approx. 225)
3. Lots of impressions (this is a boy thing. Never met a girl who felt the need to show off her impressions)
4. Yells constantly
All very man things. And don't take these the wrong way, I do not like him. I can appreciate things in people without liking them. Get off my dick.
